Our Melancholy Memoir
by Mizer Manakins
Summary: Childhood promises may be the only thing that hold Tai and Yama together as they head down a road they can't help but follow. Yama is in love with Tai, but what can the blonde do? Yamachi, Jyoushiro, Taiora Probably won't be updated. Sorry!
1. I Mediocrity

**Our Melancholy Memoir**

**I. Mediocrity**

**By Mizer Manakins**

**Warnings**: Nothing much… Maybe a little language, but nothing else. This is Taito/Yamachi, If you don't like it, you don't have to read it.

**Disclaimer:** I sure don't own Digimon

* * *

I'm just living in my too ordinary life, absorbing anything of interest, and I guess that's why my life is so screwed up. But not too bad. Just some. But I like him. I have been thinking about this for a while now, and I've always known that I've liked Tai as more than just a friend, but I didn't know what to do about it. After going over it again and again in my mind, I have finally decided that I'd have to just take a chance at it. Tell him how I feel and hope for the best… My biggest problem is when and more importantly, how. I knew it couldn't be at school or somewhere like that, because it'd be a little too embarrassing, but then again, I'm not sure if I can SAY it to him or not…

I don't know what exactly I like so much about him, but I know I'm not just another shallow fan of him. We've been through some serious stuff together back in the Digital World, and I know him far better than those ditzy girls could ever dream of. It's not just looks, I assure you, because Tai is so much more than a pretty face. He's trustworthy and a great friend… I just hope I don't screw things up like this. He means so much to me, but I don't want to hurt him or make him hate me… Of all the things I do know about him, I don't know if he'd ever be interested in a guy, much less me. I'm not even sure if he's okay with people being like that, but I don't understand why he would be.

Of course, no one's told him about Jyou and Koushiro, but they'd like to keep that between the few of us who did figure it out, Kari, Ken, Mimi and I, and I respect that. I don't think I should risk their friendship because I let it slip to the biggest blabbermouth in our school, even though we know he doesn't mean to. They deserve their privacy, and I only know because I guessed right. Daisuke and Tai had remained completely ignorant, which was good. I am their friend, but I'm not be the closest to Jyou or Kou, but I do know neither of them appreciate being teased about personal things. Mimi was the one who convinced them to hook up in the first place, being the matchmaker she is. She noticed way before any of us that there was something between them, but both of them were too chicken to say anything about it… Kinda like me…

It's not that I am exactly afraid to say it, it's more like I'm cautious about getting to the subject… I know how weird he can get, and I don't want him freaking out. It's funny, I don't ever remember feeling this way about any of my previous crushes, then it hits me. Tai is not just another crush. I love him so much more than that. I know, I know, it's just puppy love, you're saying, ne? No. I've felt like this for, let's see, I was around twelve…, five years. Of course, I didn't know what it was at first. I wanted to be around him even more than usual, and when he smiled, everything seemed right with the world. All I ever wanted to do was make sure he was happy; I wanted to stay with him for the rest of my life.

Yes, I did flirt, but it just seemed like our little game. We were obviously joking, or at least he was, I, not so much, so none of our friends paid any mind. No, we were entertaining to watch; just there for laughs, which I didn't mind. I was there with Tai, and that was all that mattered.

I've figured after all this time he has the right to know. What he chooses to do about it is solely up to him… but if he does reject me, what will I do? I don't want to imagine life without him, but I suppose I could survive if I tried hard enough… but it would be meaningless. I hope we can just stay friends… All this seems so simple, and I know I shouldn't take things so lightly…

It's really just stressing me out, pulling me in all directions. One part of me wants to take the safe route and keep things the way they are, but… what would I do if Tai decided he liked some girl? And what if he got married? He'd probably ask me to be his best man… And what would I say to refuse the honor? "Sorry Tai, I can't watch you marry that bitch because I'm hopelessly in love with you when you sure don't feel the same way."? No.

Another part of me wants to tell him and come out of the closet. I really don't want everyone in the entire school knowing I'm gay, but… It's kinda hard hiding it all the time. Tons of girls like me, which is great for my reputation, but if I never date word will go around that I'm either gay or just too good for the girls around here… I'll have to work on that. Mimi had agreed to be my 'girlfriend' once or twice, only because she wants to help me and Tai hook up, but I made her swear not to tell him how I feel. She just laughed at me.

* * *

"Really, Matt, you think I would tell TAI that! That's hilarious! He's never gonna figure it out on his own, so I think I'll leave that task to you. It's no fun if he knows right away. But you really should get around to it soon."

* * *

Of course it's no fun for her, but she's only known for about a year. She's been sworn to secrecy, and I won't let her tell anyone, no matter who they are, but especially not Sora. She would kill me if she knew she had even more competition than she already did. Tai is one of those super popular soccer players that all the girls fawn over every time he scores a goal, and Sora is his biggest fan. She likes to think she has a better chance with him because of how long they've known each other, but I doubt it'll ever happen. She's tried to ask him out on dates, a bold move on her part, but when he did accept her invitation, they'd go to some horror flick with some of his friends he invited. She was offended nonetheless, but never gives up in her attempt to win his heart.

Even my popularity pales in comparison to his, which is saying something. I'm only popular because of my looks, so basically I've just got hordes of fan girls who want to be my girlfriend. I'm not interested, but I've learned to not blow them off. I've heard remarks from a few I've snubbed, and I figure it's dangerous to make them angry, lest they discover my secrets.

I just hope TK doesn't find out… I'd rather not scar him for life knowing his brother opted for an alternative lifestyle. He relied on me so much when we were younger, and now he doesn't need me that much, but I still worry about him. I know he's grown up, but still… He's having some problems with his mom back at her house, and I wish I could do something about it, but I can't. All I can do is let him talk to me when he feels like it, but I notice he goes to Kari… Yes, I feel rather obsolete. So… how to tell Tai? I really should stop planning. Nothing ever does go the way I plan, so it'll just happen… When the time is right I'll let him know… But I'd better not wait too long, ne? Something could come up, like SORA. But everyone knows he finds her rather annoying. I feel bad for him. Not one of my fan girls is that bad, or knows so many of my secrets… I shudder to think that anyone would know exactly how old I was when I stopped wetting the bed and other facts she knows about him… Scary. But the story about when he puked in her hat and didn't tell her before she put it on is still amusing. (1) It's getting late, so I guess I'd better go. Yamato, out.

* * *

I closed my journal and slid it into the drawer of my bedside table as I switched off the lamp next to me. As I slid under the covers, I thought once again how I would tell him… But I should just stop worrying, right? It can't be that bad, can it?

I guess that's going to have to wait until tomorrow… My clock read 2:47 am, and no matter how much I would like to skip school, my dad would never allow it. I have to get up in the morning, because I promised Tai I'd be there for his early soccer practice. Something about a new trick he's learned to do… I dunno… but I'm tired anyway.

I guess everything else will just have to wait until the morning… I guess technically it already is, but right now I really don't give a damn.

* * *

(1) Yes, the incident Sora was mad at Tai for in the beginning of the Digimon movie.

R&R, please.

Mizer Manakins


	2. II Clairvoyance

**Our Melancholy Memoir**

**II. Clairvoyance**

**By Mizer Manakins**

**THANK YOU REVIEWERS!**

**Warnings**: Still, nothing much. Just mild language, and of course, shonen ai…

**Disclaimer**: Still don't own Digimon.

* * *

I had no idea where I was. The street and surroundings were not familiar, so I walked up the shops and attempted to open the glass door. I could see people inside, none of whom I knew, who would look up at me, then resume whatever it was they were doing. How could they ignore me? I just want to know where I am. I ran across the street to what looked like an office of some sort. I sprinted through the doors and approached the receptionist. She looked up at me, and I suppose she asked me what I wanted. I was too absorbed in my thoughts to listen. I couldn't describe her face, but it was if she did not have one, like the reporting girls in the Utena movie. (1) When I didn't answer, she asked me again and finally, I came to my senses.

"Yagami Taichi."

She looked at me quizzically, and shook her head as she pointed up the large winding staircase. I wondered why an office building would use smoke effects to send a white mist down the steps, but I walked up nonetheless. I was desperate for any answers I could get, and this seemed to be the only way at the moment. I climbed the stairs, noticing they had gradually gone from shiny marble to dingy black wrought iron bars, and that the width had decreased noticeably, now only wide enough to fit one person through instead of the previous ten. I had never seen a place such as this, and all I could think about was finding Tai. The walls had somehow changed to hard cold stone from very professional-looking wallpaper, and the temperature dropped considerably. I ran up the stairs, not wanting to stay in this dank eerie environment. It was giving me the creeps. After what seemed like forever, I finally reached a landing. I looked down at the ground, because the floor was a brilliant green, almost like grass. I bent down and felt the carpeting… Just as I thought. Astroturf.

Suddenly,it seemed I was being pelted with soccer balls. I looked up and I saw Tai standing there, watching as I attempted to dodge them, while instead, I fell on my butt. He was laughing about something, probably me, and the spheres slowed to a stop. He reached out his hand to help me up, but he halted. A girl had just entered the room and she seemed to be calling to him, although I didn't hear anything. He ran over to her, and it became apparent who she was. She was, no doubt about it, his girlfriend.

The ground began to shake uncontrollably, but he and the girl seemed unaffected by it. I looked around for something to grab hold of, but found nothing. All the lights seemed to be going out one or two at a time, except for some sort of spotlight on Tai and his girlfriend. I looked towards him, and he glared at me, giving me only one short statement.

"I don't know what you're thinking, but you're wrong. I hate you."

* * *

I shot up in my bed, frightened from my restless slumber, breathing heavily. I looked around myself and saw I was in my own room.

"It was only a dream…" I gave a sigh of relief… but I couldn't help but think that maybe my subconscious was trying to tell me something. Maybe it is a mistake for me to think that Tai might ever feel the same… Maybe I was wrong. Maybe… I needed to talk to Mimi. As much as I resented the fact that she was the only one who I could talk to about this, she occasionally gave out some good advice…

I picked up the phone, and paused before dialing. I glanced at the clock. It was 5:03 am. I knew it was rather early to be calling people, but it was important. If I couldn't figure out what it meant, I knew I was going to explode.

I dialed. And waited. And waited.

"Hi, this is Mimi! I'm so sorry I can't take your call right now, but if you leave a message I will try to get back to you as soon as possible, k? Bye bye!"

I decided to give it a shot, even though Mimi's messages usually never get answered due to the sheer number of them. "Hey, Mimi, it's Yamato… I need to talk to you about Tai… I had this dream he got a girlfriend and he hated me, and I never got to tell him how much I just want to be with him…That I love him-" I stopped. Were these **tears**? Why was a crying? It wasn't real, but the idea was very possible. I tried to collect myself in order to finish the message quickly. "So, call me, or something…please, Mimi. I really need to talk."

I hung up and lay back down and stared at the ceiling until my dad came in at 6:30 to get me up.

* * *

As promised, I showed up early at school for Tai's soccer practice, and I sat on the bench on the side of the field watching him as he showed me some new kick he had learned how to do. I couldn't help but remember the dream I had had. I looked at Tai's expression. It wasn't hate, that was for sure. He was enjoying himself, and it was obvious he liked the attention. I felt so much more relaxed than I had been previously.

'Nothing's wrong. It was just a silly dream. He doesn't hate you, Yama…' I tried to remind myself that, but for the most part I wouldn't believe it. He had to be angry in some form, ne? He didn't hate me yet. Yet, was the keyword. I would say something wrong, and he would just be so offended that he would hate me and never speak to me again. Or maybe I'm just being paranoid…

"Matt!"

"Yeah?" I looked up, as I realized he was talking to me.

"Stop daydreaming. Will you get in my bag and toss me my water bottle?"

Of course, I did as he asked and as I rummaged through his belongings in search of his water, I came across a notebook with the words 'KEEP OUT! Only to be read by Yamato Ishida on or after January 17th, 2010.'

I couldn't help but chuckle softly. Of all the stupid ideas we came up with as kids, this had to be the stupidest that we ever got around to. The only reason I kept a journal was because we promised each other we would. Apparently, he hadn't backed out either. Finally, I found the requested bottle and tossed it to him. He caught it with ease and he opened the top, taking a drink. After catching his breath, we resumed speaking.

"You know, Sora called me last night. She's all stressed out about her aunt being in the hospital, but why does she always have to call me? I'm not good with stuff like that, and I don't like her like anything more than a friend. If she thinks it some sort of weird way of us 'connecting', she'd highly disillusioned. You get what I'm saying?"

I just had to laugh.

"You, Tai? Saying 'disillusioned'? Do you even know what that word means?" I regained my composure and continued in a much less insulting manner. "Sorry, but that was funny… So yeah, girls stink when all they do is try to get your attention…" I slowed down, thinking about what a hypocrite I was being.

He got bored of the subject and switched to something NOT about Sora.

"So, Yama, how's Takeru? You said he's having problems?"

Takeru, my little brother, goes to our school, but since he's in a different grade, Tai doesn't see him that much, so it was natural of him to ask. I had been confiding in Tai about his problems, but of course not my own.

"He says he wants to move out. Something about his mom's new boyfriend. I'm not sure what exactly is going on, but he says it basically sucks at the moment. He talks a lot about Kari, though. Has she said anything to you about her?" I tried to keep the conversation light and took the usual diversion of inquiring about my brother's love life.

"As much as always. At first, I thought it was just because they were best friends, but I notice she doesn't talk that much about Daisuke or any of the other guys… Do you think they like each other?"

God, sometimes he could be so dense.

"Nah, ya think?" I teased as I looked at my watch. I noticed it should be time for Mimi to be arriving. " Crap! Sorry, Tai, I gotta go! Nice trick, though!" I apologized as I gathered my things to go greet my pink-haired confidant.

"Mimi! Hey. So did you get my message?"

She looked at me as if I was a lunatic.

"Didn't I tell you? Sora's borrowing my cell this week."

"She WHAT!"

"You know, so she can get ahold of her parents if anything happens to her aunt."

Sora this, Sora that. She's ruining my day and I haven't even seen her ugly mug today! Then came the sinking feeling in my stomach that made me want to hurl right there in front of the school where me life was about to be ruined.

Wait a minute… What exactly did that message say? Shit… Of course, wonderful and kind Mimi would lend out her cell to SORA. No matter how bitchy she got, Mimi would always be by her side, one digidestined there for the other. But I'm also a digidestined and this could wreck my whole life, so I guess it comes down to one girl there for another. But why did I have to leave so much information on that message? I suppose it is my fault, but why?

"Hey, Matt." It was her. I guess I'll try to play it cool, but the gnawing in my gut is gonna prove to be a problem… I can't look at her, it's hard to talk to her… I just feel like dying.

"Hey, Sora… So, what's up? Anything new?" I replied trying to be as polite as I could be.

"Oh, nothing much. Did you sleep well?" That grin on her stupid face. She knows, but she's not gonna tell me she knows. I know her, and she can a sneaky little bitch when she wants something, or someone in this case, bad enough. The least I can expect from her is blackmail. Sora, you little whore, I know what you're up to, but I also know you don't dare tell Tai, for fear that he might actually like me instead of you.

I managed to carry a somewhat civil conversation with her, but I had to get away from her fast. Mimi, who had been surprisingly silent for most of the conversation, piped in, much to my relief.

"Sora, let's go watch Tai practice! He's got a game this Saturday, so they're practicing every morning this week." I just stood there and watched as they walked off.

After standing there for a few minutes, trying to think of what to do, I decided it'd be best if I just attempted to play it cool and act like nothing was wrong. If I don't act like anything is wrong, no one should notice anything, right? I can only pray that's true. But what I really should pray about is that dream. I had better not be psychic, and that dream had better not come true.

* * *

(1) For those of you who haven't seen the movie, the reporting girls are wearing the school uniform, all have pink hair in various styles (the only way to tell them apart is by hair and voices) and all have black faces, like a silhouette. You only see the facial features if you see em' from the side.

Mizer Manakins


	3. III Disclosure

**Our Melancholy Memoir**

**III. Disclosure**

**By Mizer Manakins**

**Warnings:** I'll say it again. IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT I WRITE ABOUT, YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ IT. I think Izzy is gay. Are you happy?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Digimon.

* * *

I know she's figured it out, and that isn't any good for me… I have a feeling the rumors won't start up yet. She can't risk Tai knowing, at least not until she's snagged him for herself and rubbed it in my face. God, I hate her.

I really can't think of when we exactly started drifting apart. Sora and I were okay friends when we were younger, but then we came home and I guess we just weren't really meant to get along. The necessity for cooperation was gone because our lives and the lives of others no longer depended on it. Now no one was in any physical danger and we weren't stuck together, so we just started to disagree. She acted civil, but we weren't really 'friends' anymore. Not enemies, at least, not until now. Now she knew my secret, and I can guess she isn't very happy with it.

I arrived in my first hour early and found Koushiro sitting at his desk, laptop out as usual. I never understood why the teachers let him keep it with him at school, because it's against the stinkin' rules but I don't care, really. I sat down in the desk next to him and he looked up.

"Oh, hi…" he greeted me, not so enthusiastically.

"What's wrong?" There was something sad in his voice. I had to at least act like I could help, even though I can't even figure out my own problems.

"Um… It's Jyou."

"Oh." I should of guessed. Jyou's been kinda weird these last few days, and Kou's been kinda out of it. "What happened?"

"It's not so much what happened… He's just freaked out. He keeps thinking someone's gonna find out and tell his parents. And you know how they can be. Jyou doesn't want them to hate him, and he's afraid of them kicking him out or disowning him or something bad like that… I don't know what to tell him. I'd like to help, but I might just make things worse for him… I know you wouldn't understand this, you being into girls and stuff, but…"

"Actually, Kou, I kinda do… I've kinda got this… crush. And I'm kinda trying to figure out how to tell him- shit." I shut my mouth quick, but I knew it slipped out. "I mean… her…"

"Don't worry, Matt. I kinda figured. Tai, right?" he shifted in his seat a little and I averted my eyes from him. He's just too smart. He continued, "I'd think it'd be odd if you didn't like him as more than just a friend. You're kinda…"

"What? Kinda gay?"

"No, it's more you're kinda different when you're around him. It's more than just friendship to you. I can tell. The question is, have you admitted it to yourself?"

"Well, yeah… But I was kinda in Jyou's position at first. I wasn't sure what I would do… I guess I never fully got over it…"

"You haven't really came out yet, so yeah, I'd say you never got over it." The attitude in his voice shocked me. This is KOUSHIRO. This has really got to be bothering him for him to snap at ANYONE like that. I guess I can't be helping.

"So… Have you told your parents?"

"I have… They are fine with it. Mom says if it makes me happy, she's happy, and Dad just doesn't mind. He says Jyou a pretty nice guy, so I chose well. They're pretty accepting, but I begin to wonder if they blame it on themselves. When I told my mother, the way she answered made it seem like she felt guilty about it. I've explained to them it has nothing to do with them not telling my about my parents. I chose this on my own. But Jyou's parents are… so strict. He's actually talked about us breaking up…" he grew quiet, and I knew it couldn't be good. He just sat there and shook his head. "It's nothing really. I convinced him to rethink it, seeing as we've kept it pretty low profile and not that many people know. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me… but the thought of him being this scared of us is…"

"Look, Kou, I know I can't understand exactly what's going on, but I can relate. I kinda see where Jyou's coming from… I'm just too chicken to admit it to… well, you know…" I paused.

Why was I being so open with him? This isn't anything like me… but that voice in the back of my head reminds me. Everyone will know sooner or later, so if I let a few people know, at least they won't think I was hiding it from them. It won't matter, though. My life is sure to be ruined, and there's not much I can do to stop it.

"You seem worried. Did something happen?… I mean it's not really any of my business, but something's up…"

"Sora found out." I couldn't hide it forever, and he's just too perceptive.

"Oh… That's a problem. She likes Tai, and you're now seen as…"

"Competition." I finished. I then proceeded to tell him about the cell phone and the message, and everything else that had managed to screw up my life within the last day.

"So, in other words, you're saying your own fear of being found out is the exact thing that has began to tear everything up. My suggestion is to gather up what courage you have and tell him before Sora does. Chances are he'll feel betrayed if you don't admit it to him in time. If Sora tells him, he might wonder why everyone but him knows it, and all your chances are down the drain."

I nodded. I hadn't thought of it that way, but it did make a little more sense than what I had come up with. As people started to come in the classroom, I got up and moved to my assigned seat. I felt so much better now… I almost wanted to blame Mimi in the beginning, but I realize it's not her fault she's such a nice girl. I'm just stupid enough to leave something that personal on an answering machine. And if I had already told Tai how I felt, I most likely wouldn't have had that dream which triggered these horrible events.

I watched my classmates enter the room and looked for Mimi and Tai. The bad thing about this class was that Sora was my classmate also. I didn't feel like looking at her, much less talk to her, but then again, she doesn't sit next to me. Mimi entered the classroom and waved at me. She hurried over to her seat and sat down in the desk in front of me. She put her bag on the ground and turned around. Thank god she decided to whisper.

"Look, Matt, I'm really sorry about the phone… Was that message about… Tai?"

I nodded, getting rather annoyed. What else would it be about? "I'm sorry. I guess I didn't tell you, and I should. You're kinda going through this crisis and I'm not helping much am I?"

"Mimi, it's not your fault. I talked to Koushiro and he explained what he thinks is the problem. If I would have got it together and told Tai earlier, none of this would have ever happened. It's my fault, and no one else should be taking the blame for it."

"Wait a minute! How does he know?"

"Mimi, you know he's not stupid. He kinda figured it out… not to mention, I kinda let it slip out about a certain… crush." This is freaking awful. I tried to stop blushing, but I knew I was. My stupidity. I'm certainly not myself… God, love really does suck.

"So, I'm not the only one anymore? I'm offended, Yamato!"

She says she's offended, but really I think she's more relieved than anything. I know I would be, and I'm a horrible person for dumping this all on her.

"I think I'm gonna tell him…"

"I've been telling you to for how long now?"

"I guess I needed an outside opinion. Mimi, are you gay?"

"No, of course not, Matt! Oh…"

"Yeah. An opinion from someone who knows even more than you about this particular shit." She looked over at him in the corner, typing away as usual.

I thank god my class is far louder than it should be, because unless you were really listening hard and were ridiculously close, you couldn't hear a word we were saying. Besides, most of the class's focus was on Tai, who was up front showing off that new trick of him. It's cute seeing him soaking up all that attention, and not so cute to see _her_ right up front cheering him on.

I have to tell him soon, or I might lose him forever… Kou's right. Mimi has the right idea, but her being who she is, she won't ever have to deal with crap like this. When she want something, she will get it, and if she doesn't, there's always something else waiting for her. I envy that. If only I was interested in girls, oh how different things would be for me.

I noticed Jyou arriving just before the bell rang, and I was tempted to talk to him. I don't want anyone else screwing up their lives like I have mine, but I suppose it's just best to let Koushiro and him work things out. As Mimi and I continued to chat, I watched him take his seat next to the red head and write a hasty note. The look of disappointment the younger's face as he read it… I know it can't be good, and I wonder, can it really be worth it? Yes, it would have to be. The teacher entered and called the class to order, and I tried to shake those thoughts from my mind as I pulled out my math book.

At least I have the rest of the day to think about it. And maybe Mimi can intervene with those two. They need directions, and Mimi knows best when it comes to relationships she's not involved in.

That's pretty dumb, but it's what she does best.

* * *

Mizer Manakins


	4. IV Hazard

**Our Melancholy Memoir**

**IV. Hazard**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Digimon or Star Wars (except I got 'em on DVD) or anything to do with KidzBop , and I doubt I ever will.

* * *

The day dragged by. I don't know what my problem was, but talk about paranoia. Everywhere I looked, someone was sniggering at me, or whispering to their friend. Normally, I would have thought it to be the usual annoying girl pointing me out to her friends, but not this time. Now I felt that everyone knew. It's not rational. It's damn near impossible. So why am I so scared?

I just thank God for people like Mimi to snap me out of it.

"Dammit, Matt! Stop worrying about it! It's all gonna out turn out great, okay? I can't see you two going wrong."

I guess I'll just have to trust her opinion… I think about it, and really, she's right. I'm just sitting around, thinking about what could happen. I have to create opportunities for myself. The perfect time won't happen any time soon unless I put forth some effort. I made it to lunch, and I came to a conclusion. I really need to tell my close friends… I'll have an informal get together, and I guess I'll just tell them flat out. God only knows how much support I need, although I'll never admit it to them. Trying to wing it on my own has proved to be difficult, especially during more recent events.

Of course, I need to tell Tai beforehand. Knowing him, if I don't look totally serious when I finally admit this, he'll think it's some big joke to see how he'll react.

And really, it's not right that everyone find out that I like him if I don't know how he feels about it. The last thing I want is for him to be forced into a decision in front of everyone. I want his honest opinion. But of course I have my doubts. And what about Takeru? If he rejects me as his family, I'll have some serious problems.

"But what if he freaks out or something? What if he decides to hate me forever and all eternity?" I know, I know. I'm acting like whiny brat, but I guess I feel pretty foolish to begin with. This is major damage to my reputation.

" Stop being such a baby! Actually, I think he'd be more relieved than anything."

Yeah, yeah. Everyone will be relieved, she says.

"But really! Mimi! And do I have to invite EVERYONE?"

" No! No, of course not, Yamato! I understand if you don't want Sora there. Really, if I was you, I'd rather not have her there either."

That's a relief. I can't just admit it straight to her that I'm gay. Much less that I have a major crush on Tai. I think she knows a little too much already. I know she is nice enough to other people, but I can't help but feel bitter about it all. She knows one of my most guarded secrets, and of all of them, that is the most valuable to her.

I just have to first summon up the courage to do it.

In fifth hour, I talked to Mimi about Jyou and Koushiro's dilemma. I'm not the kind to pry, but I feel horrible. Here Koushiro is giving me advice on what I should do about my feelings for Tai, when really, he should be focusing on his relationship with Jyou. They need counseling… Mimi seems to be the cure for everything, so maybe she'll help. At the lunch table, Jyou seemed to be avoiding talking to Koushiro, and I noticed they seemed to be avoiding eye contact with each other. I hate this. I feel like such a loser getting involved in their personal affairs, and I have problems of my own, but I hate seeing Kou look that down. He's even quieter than usual, and Jyou seems much more talkative. But I see that his petty conversations have no real meaning. Just something to avoid awkward silences.

I don't approve of what he's doing, trying to avoid the subject and all, but I guess that kind of makes me a hypocrite. I still haven't told Tai, so I complain to Mimi and Koushiro about it. This is so not like me. I want to just go back to the 'cool one with all the answers, but it's not like I'm gonna tell you'. Now I'm such a wuss. Pathetic me, like always. Nah, just now.

I need to tell Tai. But for now, I'm just gonna try and act like nothing is wrong.

"Hey, Yama! What's up?"

"Nothing much. How are you?" I only hope he doesn't notice my smile is so fake.

"I'm great! Everyone loves that new soccer trick! No one else on the team can do it right, so here I am to show 'em!"

"That's great!" My hair decided it was the best time for it to fall in my eyes. I hate that. I pushed my hair back and heard Tai humming a tune. As I listened, I recognized it.

"You LIKE that song?"

"No, no! Kari pulled out her old KidzBop CD just to annoy me." He said shaking his head

"My friend, the Communist, holds meetings in his office…" I absentmindedly began singing. To my surprise, Tai joined in.

"I can't afford his gas, so I'm stuck here watching TV- Yama, do you even think those kids singing even know what a Communist is?"

"Doubt it."

So acting normal wasn't as hard as I thought. After having a good laugh about the Communist thing, I decided to take a chance at it.

"So, uh, Tai, are you busy after school on Friday?" I'm so freaking nervous! This is so not me! Damn! I had better not look bad or something. Is my cover slipping? If he sees through this plan, I'll personally kill him with my own two hands. Well, maybe that's an exaggeration, but… I think my point is made.

"Nope. Why?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to go see the new Star Wars movie with me." I hope I'm not being to forward. Crap! I forgot! Does he even _like_ Star Wars?

"Star Wars? Awesome!" he turned to our rose-haired friend. "Hey Mimi, you wanna come with us?"

"Go where?" she inquired.

"We're gonna go see Episode Three on Friday! Wanna come?"

"Tai, I'm not sure if she even likes-"

"What are you saying? Padme is awesome! And Anakin is HOT! So when are we going to meet up?" she squealed while bouncing excitedly.

"Uh, Mimi? Are you sure you don't have anything to do?"

"Of course I don't! Who's your favorite character?"

What was I supposed to say? I named the first character that came to mind.

"Uh, Yoda, I guess."

"Ooh! I like R2D2! What about you Tai?"

"I'm a fan of Jedi Master Mace Windu, myself!"

"He's so smart! Not your type."

Then SHE had to interrupt our already horrid conversation. Mimi had just agreed to come on out little outing, so now I wasn't sure how I was ever going to tell him, even though I know she wouldn't mind leaving us alone.

"What are you guys talking about?" She sat down next to Tai, and I had to try with all my might to not just glare at her. "You're going to go see Star Wars after school? Great! Can I come along? I'm dying to see how Anakin turns to the dark side!"

"Sure, Sora. You can come! Any objections?"

I couldn't object without Tai wanting to know why, and I still hadn't gotten the message to Mimi that I wanted to tell Tai today.

When no one answered, she took that as a positive vote for Sora. I don't know if Tai just doesn't care, but the little Sora hater inside me can't help but hope that he didn't say anything to be polite, but really loathes the thought of being around her any longer than he has to be… I've got some bold dreams, and sadly enough, that's all they are…

"Jyou! Kou! You're both Star Wars guys! You should come with us!" Tai offered the two. It took a while to convince both of them to come, but finally they caved.

So it's settled. After school today, Mimi, Sora, Tai, Koushiro, Jyou and I are going to the movies to see the new Star Wars movie.

Now onto my next project! How to tell Taichi Yagami I have had a crush on him for the past five years.

* * *

Mizer Manakins


	5. V Anxiety

**Our Melancholy Memoir **

**V. Anxiety**

**By Mizer Manakins**

Disclaimer: I do not own Digimon.

* * *

This is wonderful. Now Mimi and Tai have EVERYONE going with us. I guess it can't be helped, can it? If I suddenly ask everyone to just not come, they're probably going to ask questions. I know Mimi and Koushiro will most likely not mind at all, Sora might get ideas and Jyou might get upset about how much they begged him to go in the first place.

I'll just do what I've been up to lately: go with it and pray that it all works out fine.

Well, Tai? Are you ready for me?

That's great, because I'm not.

God, what am I going to do?

* * *

Somehow, I managed to make it out of the lunchroom without ripping out my hair, but don't think I didn't think about it. The one thing that restrained me from that was the fact that I would look **terrible** with bald spots.

I somehow survived to my final class, which to my (mis?)fortune, Mimi was in that class. She sat down next to me as usual, and I finally let out a full three hours of rage in simply glaring at her.

I think she caught on.

"What is your problem now?"

Don't hate her. It's your fault for being stupid, Yama.

"Mimi, can we… talk?"

Yes, just **talk**. I will not kill you. I will not kill you. Dammit, Yamato, it's not her fault!

"What did I do?"

Was it that obvious? Just tell her.

"I was going to tell you sooner, but I just kind of came up with it on the spot… Mimi, I was hoping that sometime during our… outing, I would tell Tai, but-"

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry!"

She catches on fast, now doesn't she?

"Mimi, it's fine, but… do you think somehow we could have some…"

"Alone time?"

"Yeah…" This is humiliating. God, I think I'm blushing. Or at least I think that's what that burning you feel on your face when someone says something embarrassing. I wouldn't know. Or at least I'm not going to admit I ever have before, even if it is only to myself.

"I'll see what I can do to get them all away from you two… Just tell me when later, m'k?"

"Yeah, sounds fine."

It sounds fine, but it sure doesn't feel fine. How could anything go any more wrong than it already is? I know I really shouldn't ask, because something is bound to come up.

So, school's almost out. I'm only about an hour or two away from finally getting this off my chest, and more importantly, seeing how he feels about it.

Lucky me gets to sit and wait for that stupid bell rings. I'm tempted to waltz out the classroom door, but I know that would be an unwise choice on my part, and the school would call my dad, I'd be grounded, I wouldn't be able to see Tai at all except for classes… Anyway, I'm pretend to do my assignment, but I can't help but peek up at the clock every few seconds. Ten minutes to go.

Once again, I'm feeling two different ways about this. I almost want to stay here in this classroom and not have to ever tell him, for fear he'll reject me completely, but then I think again, and I'll just be as lonely then if I never tell him. That won't change. Or at least I doubt. I know that if I never do tell him, I'm just asking for trouble.

Then the real terror resurfaces in my mind: what if _she_ already told him? What if I'm not the first to tell him that I'm madly in love with him? Well, I think I'd better rethink how to say that. That's just creepy obsessive, and I do NOT want him to think I'm an annoying fanboy. I know, that's pretty improbable, considering how long we've known each other, but it could happen.

I'm just worried something might come up… I guess I'm just not as confident as I want to be. It's rather frightening, knowing everything is on the line. I don't want to mess anything up between us. I've been over this countless times before, but now it seems so much more real to me. I know I will tell him, but I'm not sure how it's all going to turn out. I can only hope for the best, and hope I don't lose it if everything goes wrong.

But really, what am I hoping for? Well… I don't want him to hate me… I really don't know if he's a homophobe or not. It never seemed like a topic that we seemed to feel like talking about. I know there's only a faint chance that he actually will like me back, so I can try not to get my hopes up. But if he does… I just won't think about it. I know, I know. I constantly tell myself not to think about it because I don't want my hopes destroyed. I guess you could call it a precautionary act. I'm just going to protect what little feelings I have. I'm on an emotion overload, and I think that must be a sign that I've let this go too long.

I know what I love about him. I just hope this doesn't change any part of him. Tai is so perfect as it is, and I don't want anything bad to come of this. I'll just have to accept his answer.

Yeah, Yamato, keep telling yourself that. Maybe you'll believe it eventually.

"Mister Ishida? Is there something more important on your mind than your math?"

The old hag they like to call a teacher got up in my face. She was so close I could smell her rancid breath. Yuck. She had the school special for lunch, probably with some spinach, which would explain the green stuff in her dentures. I tried not to hurl as I answered.

"Sorry, ma'am. It won't happen again."

"It'd better not. Let me remind you that this information will be on the test that accounts for 20 of your semester grade. Daydream in someone else's class!" I breathed in clean air in relief as she turned at returned to her class.

Mimi shook her head.

"Matt, you gotta just get it over with! Your grades will start dropping if you don't stop thinking like that."

Looks who's talking. This is Mimi, the world's most talkative girl who usually just gets one of her friends to 'help' her on her assignments that she was too busy talking on the phone to do in the first place. But she is right.

At last, class let out and I hurried to put up by books in my locker. We had agreed to meet up at the movie theater in half an hour. I looked at my watch. 3:30. I could run home, change out of this hideous uniform and be back in time. Mimi said she would go right away and get tickets, not bothering to change. It's something about wearing your uniform outside of school… She says it's considered very chic. Whatever.

So we'll show up, and I'll figure what to do from there.

But I can't help but be worried…

What am I going to do if he says no?

* * *

R&R

Mizer Manakins


	6. VI Misadventure

**Our Melancholy Memoir**

**VI. Misadventure**

**By Mizer Manakins**

**Disclaimers:** I STILL don't own Digimon… I never said I did!

* * *

Which outfit should I wear? It has to be perfect for this… I suppose how I look really won't affect his opinion of me, though. If he does like me the way I am, today will just be confirmation. If not, I'll just look the same as always: his friend.

I guess it really doesn't matter. Hold up a minute. _Me_ not caring what I wear! I'm afraid this is driving me insane… I imagine the Gackt-esque leather pants will work… Shirt?… Hm… I guess my black tank will be fine. Not trying to look desperate or dressy. Just nice enough so I don't look back and think "God, why didn't I wear something nicer than that?" I don't know about anyone else, but this going to change my life, be it a negative or positive manner, but I can live with the fact that I'm not at my hottest, but I'm still hot. I've got a nicer ass than Gackt, so I look good. And it's not unusual for them to see me like this, so nothing seems different. I want to be as relaxed as I can be, so this is good.

No. I have to make sure my hair is perfect.

As I rush to the bathroom and grab by styling products, I smile and shake my head at the sight of myself. I haven't really been this obsessed with my looks for a while. Apparently the old me is still there somewhere.

My hair is in perfect order, or as close as I can get in less than five minutes. The clock shows I have fifteen minutes, but I think this is one of those times I need to unwind and write in my journal. This is important to me, and I know if I write later, I won't remember how I feel now.

* * *

This is a monumental event in my life: the day I finally did something right/the day I ruined my whole life. Either one is fine with me. As long as I actually _did_ something. I'm starting to think I might decided to learn the guitar. You know, make something of myself. The girls at school only like me because of my looks. That's not right. There should be more than that… There should be more to myself than a pretty face and a huge crush. Everything until has been a façade, and I think it's time to change that.

When I was younger, all I had was Takeru. I protected him, then he didn't need me. So I put on an act. I was the quiet cool one, but really I was the only one who didn't have anything to do but hang around and look nice. I hope this will change something and give me a reason for life. Ever since we were kids, Tai was the only reason I stuck around.

I'm going to put it all on the line today, and it's surprising that this is all coming together… If he doesn't feel the same way, I'll understand a little more why. There are so many things I hate about myself.

All that aside, I really am just excited. I can finally get years of wondering and worry out in the open and hopefully I won't be so… I don't know what to call it… But I know he might reject me. I really have absolutely no idea what I'll do then, but I guess my new philosophy is working for the moment: take it as it comes to you, and just pray it works out fine. I know that isn't a very responsible thing to think ,but he I really can't help it, now can I? I know I really like Tai, and I don't know. Do I dare say I'm in love?

I guess I'll go, because if I'm not there, nothing can happen. I have to do this myself. I'm getting a little out of control with my feelings, and I don't really understand half of this, but I guess that's all right, and if it's not, I'll just have to deal with it.

I just have to hope the best possible within reason.

Yamato out

* * *

I shoved in back in the drawer I usually store it in, feeling strangely relieved. I mentally smacked myself. That sounded like I peed my pants or something. Can't have that, now can we?

I hurriedly put on my black (surprisingly enough) boots and tied the laces. Another glance at the clock told me I had to hurry in order to arrive on time. I rushed out the door, slipping a short white jacket(with black stripes down the arms, if you want to know) and thinking only of what I would tell him. I want us to be more than friends? No. Too demanding. I love you? No. Too final and it makes it seem like we're together. I've liked you for a long time? Well, duh! We're best friends! I liked you as more than a friend for a long time? No. Too forward. This is HARD! Dammit, Yamato! Why didn't you think this out completely before you decided to do this!

Hm… Maybe because if I plan things they never turn out right. And it's not like I can back out now. If I don't tell him now, I'll just live with this weight on my shoulders forever.

Damn…. Did I just answer myself? I'm seriously in this deep, and I'd better get out as soon as possible, for fear of my sanity.

I shoved my hands in my pockets and slowed as I passed the park across from the theatre and spotted my destination. I must have been really been out of it, because it's a ten minute walk her from my house… At least I'm sure about one thing: this is driving me insane.

I spot Mimi's rose-colored hair at the end of the insanely long line at the ticket booth. I strolled over to her and she showed many signs of dissatisfaction.

"Tickets are sold out for the next show. If we want them, we'd have to wait until the 6:30 show, and that's only if they're not sold out by the time we get up there in the first place. Daisuke is inside buying candy, and Jyou and Koushirou went to hang out in the park. Tai's not here yet, but what can you expect? Ask him to be on time and he'll be late."

Damn. I guess I'm just stuck here with Mimi unless I decide to go to the park. I might as well. Maybe Kou or Jyou can supply some intelligent conversation. Contrary to popular belief, I do not enjoy talking about hair products _all the time_. Just when some one finds something new that's totally great and smells nice.

"Eh, Mimi, do you mind if I just go find Jyou and Koushirou or something. I really don't feel like standing here. I'll be back in a little bit so you can go take a break, okay?"

"Sure, Matt. Really, it's the least I can do for ruining your date like that."

"Don't call it a date! I haven't even told him" I hissed. I really felt like screaming and making a scene but with this many people around, I figured it'd be a bad idea.

"Sorry, sorry. I know, I'm a ditz, but I'll try to watch it, m'k?"

I nodded and managed to push my way out to the street from the crowd gathering behind Mimi. I figured it was going to be a long wait.

I crossed the street and decided to take a stroll and enjoy the scenery. I knew there was a path off to the left, but I decided against it. It was a usually plagued by young couples, and I'm really not up to seeing that. Not while he's still in the dark about all this. I veer to the right walk towards the playground, and I hear someone running in my direction. I turn and see… my brother?

He spotted me and slowed as he approached me.

"Takeru, what are you doing here?"

After catching his breath, he began to tell me how a girl had lost her dog here and he was helping her to look for it and they split up and he accidentally, yes, _accidentally_, witnessed the 'scariest thing he ever saw in his life'. Apparently, Jyou and Koushirou made up, and Takeru wasn't prepared to see them kissing, him having no idea the two were ever together. From what I heard, there must have been a lot of blushing, because Takeru wasn't exactly all that quiet. More like he almost ran them over and stopped just in time. And they stopped real quick. Smart one, Takeru. Let's just hope they stay together even after this.

"So, I know it's none of my business, but you don't have a problem with them being together, right?"

"Well, it's kinda weird. I remember when those guys were in elementary school, and it is strange, but I don't mind. The shock has worn off, and I'm just wondering why no one told me."

"They haven't exactly… you know, I think if you want to know you should ask them yourself." I nodded to the two coming in our direction. Both were shocked and seemed to be quite embarrassed, but I noticed they were holding hands.

"It's great you two are good now. Now we can all get back to our lives and not have to worry if you are getting along. If the world doesn't have Jyou and Koushirou, something must be wrong. The apocalypse, maybe?" I tried joking, hoping to get them to relax. I think it worked, because Jyou changed the subject.

"So when's the movie start?"

Of course, Takeru just HAD to know.

"What movie? Are you going to go see 'Revenge of the Sith'? Can I come?"

"Um… Go find Mimi, give her your money, and she'll get one for you, okay? Better yet, hold her spot and let her have a break."

I can't believe I just told him that. Then again, how much worse could it get? Everyone else is already coming, and what's one more?

So he ran off, leaving me with the huge awkward silence between us remaining three. I have a feeling today is full of even more surprises. And I'm not sure if they're all good.

* * *

**R&R**

Mizer Manakins


	7. VII Distress

**Our Melancholy Memoir**

**VII. Distress**

**By Mizer Manakins**

**Disclaimers:** I do not own Digimon!

* * *

Oh, just wonderful. I tried making small talk with Jyou, but he didn't feel like saying much. From what little he did say, I'm guessing he hasn't told his parents yet, but knowing Koushirou, he'll have to some time soon. Not that Kou is pushy, it's just that he's got a little too much to deal with just not letting everyone at school know, and hiding it from their parents wouldn't help anything out. I can just hope for the best for those two.

As it turned out, Kari happened to be at the park with Takeru. She apparently met up with Mimi as she was coming to take a break. I'm really starting to wonder if I should even bother risking it today, for fear that I might be found out by someone just as my two friends had earlier. Of course, no matter how much I would like it to be, I doubt it would be the same situation. No matter how much I want to hold him and kiss him and call him my own, I highly doubt it'll happen today. This is just a stepping stone, and I'd better figure out what I'm going to do.

"So, Matt, where's my brother?" the brunette questioned. I was wondering the same thing. He said he'd be here.

"You're asking me? Really Kari, am I _supposed_ to know where he is?" I guess I might have come across as a little pissed, but imagine it didn't faze her. My attitude hasn't been so offensive lately, but it still crept back every now and then.

"I guess not. I haven't seen him since school, and I'm supposed to tell him where Mom put his soccer uniform this time." Yes, his mother could be a scatter brain. We're all rather used to it now.

Just then he showed up panting carrying his practice bag with him.

"You ran? I thought you said you didn't have practice today."

"Shut up, Yama. I got here as fast as I could, but judging by the fact that you're still out here, I didn't miss it?"

So he made it… but could I tell him? I'm suddenly feeling like this was a bad idea. What if he decides to hate me? I'll know it's my fault, and the last thing I want is our friendship to break up. That is what's most important. I want to be his friend first and foremost. I keep telling myself that, but it's getting to the point where I'm not sure if that's what I really want. It's not the best for either of us, so I'm going to make sure my priorities are straight. His happiness should be the thing that matters most. If I love him, I'll just want him to be happy… right?

We all waited in the park after Takeru got the tickets, just goofing off, but I felt a sort of empty space… The doubt that nothing good could ever some of this.

Of course, there was a ridiculous line just to get in the theater, but we arrived early so we would actually be there in time for the opening.

I think it was great, but I really didn't watch it. I was too preoccupied with my depressing thoughts of what might happen later if I'm wrong. If I totally come across as a jerk, would he hate me? Would he think it's all a joke? What if he doesn't believe me? What if he thinks I'm the hottest thing the planet has ever seen? I like that option, but the others outnumber the positive thoughts by far. The movie ended and I had been so out of it, I had to just nod and act like I knew what they were talking about. How pathetic. I'm just worrying about what might happen, but what really matters is just what will happen. I don't know what that is, so I guess I'm screwed.

I think Koushirou noticed. Damn, my mask is totally slipping these days. He pulled me aside to the bathroom to have a private conversation with me.

"Don't worry about it."

"I… I'm not."

"Yes, you are. Tell me, what happened at the very end of the movie?"

"Um… The credits played?…" I answered uneasily. It won't save me, but I can always try.

"Wrong. You weren't paying attention at all. Yamato, you need to stop worrying if he's going to hate you or whatever it is your problem happens to be. All that matters is that you be honest with him. Tai's your best friend. There's got to be some understanding between you two."

"But Kou…"

"No buts. Yes, he might not feel the same. Yes, you might be crushed, but you'll have to go on with your life one way or another. Okay? He may not want to be more than a friend, and you'll have to accept that. You know you can talk to me, right?"

"Fine…" This speech would have so much more effect if didn't reek in here. Maybe the bathroom wasn't such a good idea. And we didn't check if anyone was in the stalls. I was getting a feeling this was all going to end badly if we didn't leave soon. Or maybe I'm just being paranoid.

"You sure you'll be fine?"

"I'm gonna be perfectly okay, okay?"

I don't think he believed me, but he didn't say anything after that.

We met Daisuke and Jyou in the lobby, but I noticed the one I wished to see most wasn't there.

"Uh, Dai, where's Tai at?"

" Dunno. Said he had to go take a shit about… maybe ten minutes ago? Maybe he's constipated!" he replied as he cracked up laughing at the word.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, Kou noticed my look of terror, and tried to encourage me with some lame "Well, there's probably more than one bathroom here. Or maybe he didn't even go in…" explanation.

I knew I forgot something. Or maybe I'm overreacting.

So we waited.

I finally spotted him… talking to Sora.

And she seemed even happier than usual. Oh god, no.

So here's how the rest of my horrid evening went. Sora is now Tai's girlfriend. So I decided to talk to him. After we left the theatre, we stopped at the nearest McDonald's and got dinner. Sora surprisingly didn't sit next to Tai, but instead, opted for a table with Mimi, Daisuke and Takeru. Jyou and Izzy sat at the table between them and Tai, so I sat down across my bushy haired friend as he shoved a Big Mac in his face.

"Uh, hey Tai."

"Hey, Yama! What's up?"

"Can we talk?"

"Sure! Sure! About what?"

I tried to keep my voice down, hoping SHE wouldn't overhear, but she and Mimi were too busy giggling and talking about nothing in particular… Girly stuff.

"Um… Earlier today… at the theater… Did you… hear anything?"  
"Anything like what?"

"Er…"

This was going to be diffucult.

* * *

R&R

Mizer Manakins


	8. VIII Treachery

**Our Melancholy Memoir**

**VIII. Treachery**

**By Mizer Manakins**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own these characters. I only own what dumb ideas that come into my head that mutate into fic ideas.

* * *

I had to be calm, confident, cool… I had to make this not sound desperate. Okay, here I go.

"Tai."

"Yeah?"

"I…" Great. What am I doing? I can't just say it flat out… can I?

"Tai, Mimi and I are going to head on home, okay? I'll see you tomorrow, right babe?"

Not only was the intrusion of a certain red-haired girl pissing me off, it just HAD to be the one I so despise at the moment. I could have _sworn_ she shot me the evil eye and then SHE KISSED HIM.

"Mm.. Bye, Sora." I heard him say.

I couldn't believe it! He was back to his hamburger and she was parading out the door like some beauty queen.

I felt like racing after her, ripping her head off and throwing it down the street into the oncoming traffic, then jumping off a building myself as I ripped my own hair out. She KNEW, and she did everything she could just to ruin it for me.

I know, I should have expected it and everything, but he NEVER showed interest in her, and now suddenly they're dating and she's KISSING him in front of ME. If something that trivial ticks me off this bad, we are seriously going to have a problem.

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

Finally he noticed something was wrong.

"Uh, Matt?…"

Damn.

"I gotta go shit."

What is it with me and bathrooms?

And how predictable. Here comes Koushiro, I'm assuming. The door opens, the door shuts, and now someone's looking under all the stall doors. Yes, hard to believe, but I'm actually hiding in a bathroom stall on a nasty toilet seat. I don't feel like talking to Kou. He doesn't get it. Jyou doesn't have a girlfriend.

And I hear someone, but it isn't him.

"Yama?"

Damn, Tai, why do you do this? You overheard didn't you? You hate me, don't you?

"Yama, talk to me. What's wrong?"

I have to say something, right? Anything…

"Why are you with Sora? She's not right for you."

"What, and you are?"

Yes.

"I never said that…"

"Yama, come out of there. It's disgusting."

" Why should I? You could just as easily come in here."

Now I'm being a brat. Calm down, dammit! You're whining, Yamato.

"Please… Something's wrong with you."

"Something? Don't you already know?"  
"Know what?"

Maybe he doesn't know… Or maybe he's just playing dumb. He was in that bathroom, I just know it. I guess if the beginning of the end of my life began in a bathroom, I can easily end it. So I open the stall door. And there he is. What an opportunity.

"Matt, what's-"

Yeah, I silenced him all right.

And I never thought the first time I would kiss him would be like this. This disgusting bathroom, in the most unromantic of all situations. My lips against his made this heaven for me, even if it was only for a few seconds.

I pulled away quickly, knowing that probably sealed my fate.

"I see… Yama why didn't you tell me?"  
"I-"

"All this time you pretended not to like Sora because you really _did_ like her? Dude, let me say, that is kinda old, but I guess it works. So now you're trying to seduce me in order to get me away from her so YOU can move in. I must say, that's planned out great. Did Koushirou help you with it? Nah… Girl trouble isn't his specialty, is it?…"

"No, Tai… I-" What was he saying? He's totally getting it all wrong… but what can I do?

"No, Matt, I totally get it, and that's okay. I know you might feel kinda awkward now… I know I do. I know you don't like guys, and that was probably really gross, so can we forget it ever happened?"

No. No, I don't want to forget it. That was the most blissful moment of my life, and I'll never forget it, even if he does.

So I'll try to go on with my life.

I went home. I sat down on my bed, and all I did was write.

* * *

Why? Why did I do such a stupid thing? Because I knew it was over and because I knew I would never have another chance like that. Because I wanted to at least be able to say I tried. But I didn't do good enough. He's still with Sora, and know has this delusion that I like his girlfriend and that my kissing him was just some ploy to get to her. Why would I want her? What desirable qualities does she possess? She's a bitch! A flat out bitch and she KNOWS exactly what she's doing! She does it to piss me off and she does it to rub in my face that SHE won him over! I don't know how, but _somehow _she did.

I feel like vomiting, but I know that won't help. But I would rather die that see her with him.

It's just not fair.

But I knew this would happen.

All that planning to be able to hold myself together apparently didn't work out so well. I lost it, and now he has the wrong impression.

I prepared myself for the worst, and the worst part is, THAT WASN'T EVEN THE WORST POSSIBILITY. It could get worse, so how am I going to handle that?

I doubt this is going to work out.

I can't believe that it took that little to put me out like this. If it was someone else, I wouldn't mind at all. If Tai wasn't involved, I'd probably be happy for the couple. But he is, so I can't be. It's just not fair… How come it works out between Jyou and Kou, but not me and Tai? Is it just because (no offense to my friends) that Tai is just a chick magnet? Or is it I'm not man enough to come forward and tell Tai how I feel?

Maybe Mimi can tell me what Sora did. I don't have any idea how she _brainwashed_ him to ask her out. She'll probably tell Mimi, if she hasn't already… I just want to know what I did wrong. Or was it simply because I'm a guy he chose not to even consider me.

How I see it, I fell in love. They say love is blind, usually when people are talking about race, but now I see love sees no color, nor does love know gender. I just fell in love with Tai for who he is. But maybe he doesn't see it that way. Maybe he's one of those that believe that he can only love a woman. If so, life isn't fair. For something to govern our lives like that… I believe that the heart is what matters.

And mine has just been broken.

Yamato out

* * *

I dropped my pen and sat in the silence. Dad wasn't home yet, TK was at his mom's. I was all alone.

It's okay. I'd better learn to love loneliness.

* * *

R&R

Mizer Manakins


	9. IX Annoyance

**Our Melancholy Memoir**

**IX. Annoyance**

**By Mizer Manakins**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Digimon.

* * *

I don't know how long I sat there wondering how the hell I would live. It seemed like forever, but my dad came in to wake me up, and I was still there. I hadn't slept a wink, and I'm not sure I want to. I can't imagine the horrid nightmares that could be lurking in the back of my mind, just waiting to creep out as soon my eyelids were closed. I shudder at the thought.

Somehow I dragged myself off my bed, threw on my crumpled uniform from the day before, and skipping the hair products. Really, who is there to impress anymore? Tai hates me, or at least he just isn't interested, who, other than my small legion of fangirls, really cares about how I look? I don't care if anyone does or not…

So what there to live for now? I have no life, no talents… my whole life basically revolved around him and my other friends… Now what? Things will never be the same now… He acts like it'll all be fine, but I know better. It'll be weird… Real weird. And something'll come up and nothing will ever be right again.

How can I try to hold back my feelings for him? He's not interested, and it's not like I can just wish them away or something… He's become a part of me, and now I have to leave that life behind.

I got to school, but I don't remember how… Nothing like that is important, is it? The fact is that I'm here and now I have to face Tai and Sora. Dammit, Yamato. What have you done?

Koushirou and Mimi keep trying to talk to me, but I just feel like I'm in a fog. It slows me down, and I barely hear anyone around me. All I can say… is what I feel.

"You guys, just give it up… He doesn't, and now I have to move on…"

But I can't move on. He means too much… and I don't know _how_ to move on. I've never really liked ANYONE this much, and the one time I do, and it turns out horrible. So I opened my big mouth.

"Mimi, this is as bad as it can get."

Damn me. Damn me to hell.

"So, Tai, anyone else you think can kiss better than I can?"

And there went Sora, being totally… Sora as usual.

"Hm… Matt. He's way more experienced than you, babe."

What the hell?

"I sure as hell hope you aren't talking from _experience_, are you Tai?"

I thought he said we'd forget about it. But then again, seeing as I refuse to forget it… how can I get angry at him for remembering it AND telling everyone.

"Yeah, my last birthday party. You passed out from the alcohol, and everyone else was freakin' drunk too. We played some game… dunno, but then people started kissing, and Matt's pretty good."

What the hell is he talking about? I don't even remember anything about his party except… yeah, I guess we were drunk. But if I don't even remember it… What's the point?

"That was one great first kiss, eh Matt?"

The fog clearing out some, I managed to shrug my shoulders, but somehow it feels like he's mocking me.

And so my routine continues. I just trudge from class to class, not hearing a word my teachers say.

"Matt."

"Hn."

"Matt."

"…"

SMACK!

"Mimi, you bitch!"

"You're the bitch. Now talk to me. Really."

"There's nothing to say."  
"Dammit, Yamato!"

"What?"

"You have a problem. I know, I know, Sora and Tai, but you've still got a chance, right?"

"No."

"What the hell do you mean 'No.'!"

"I screwed up."

"… What did you do?"

"I… um…"

"You what?"

"Kissed him."

"What!"  
Damn, Mimi, do you have to be so loud. I know it's my fault for not getting any sleep, but I have a splitting headache right now.

"Yeah…"

"Wait… you're not talking about the time Tai was talking about, are you? Cause really, that obviously didn't mean anything, did it?"

"Not that."

"Then…"  
"Last night."

Why was I telling her this? Why does she even care? I certainly don't care what happens now, so why should anybody else? Maybe she's Sora's spy checking to see how wrecked I am now… I doubt it. Mimi wouldn't do that. I'm just overreacting.

"Oh my god, Tai! When last night? What did he say? Why is he with Sora if he knows your feelings about him?"

She gets excited over the most insignificant things… Somehow she manages to spit out all these words, and doesn't seem out of breath. Weird.

But really… what can I say?

"Last night in the restaurant bathroom. He totally misinterpretted it, and he thinks I kissed him to convince him to break up with Sora so I can go out with her or something…"

Who was this saying this? It certainly can't be me, can it? People are staring… what can I do to stop them? I'm being rather loud and catching the attention of many… But it doesn't matter. He already hates me.

"So… he doesn't know?"

"No, Mimi, he doesn't."

DAMN.

Now what can I do? Nothing my friends say is helping me, and I'm just getting more and more depressed. But that question still sits in the back of my mind: Is it because I'm a guy? If I were a girl would he be interested? Am I just out of luck because he's a guy too? Is that the edge Sora has over me? The one that won him over?

So what can I do?

I can get out of this freakin class. The bell just rang, and I don't want to be here anymore than I have to be. Koushirou invited me over to do homework with him, but I think I'll pass. It's just a cover for another pep talk. But I can't deal with that.

So once again, I'm here sitting on my bed, journal out. I can't think of anything better to do…

* * *

So why is it everyone is so obsessed with trying to make me feel better? It's really getting rather annoying, and it's not working at all. I just feel worse. The more they say, the more I realize we can never be together, no matter how much I want it.

I can't make him like me as more than a friend… But I suppose I could try.

Whether it works or not… Well, at least I can say I tried.

I guess that's really all I can say right now…

Yamato out

* * *

Dad got home from work early, and decided we should… talk. Don't tell me he knows too, and just has some 'words of wisdom'. Maybe he's just trying to get to know me… again. Every few years he likes to talk to me and catch up on things, like what he's been missing.

"Yamato, how's everything?"

What a lame line to start with.

"I dunno."

"I don't think so. Something's going on."

How would he know?

"Hm…"

I found that answer sufficient enough.

"What kind of music do you listen to?"

Now he was making a little sense. It's just one of the getting-to-know-you talks.

"Eh… Moi Dix Moi, Dir en Grey, Xjapan, Rammstein…"

"Rock bands?"

"Yeah."

"Hm… Would you be interested in learning to play an instrument?"

Ah, he wants me to have a hobby. If it could serve as a distraction from my aching heart, then sure! If not, at least I'm doing something.

"Like what?"

"Maybe the guitar?"

And that's how my lessons with Hideto Tenjou began.

**

* * *

**R&R

Mizer Manakins


	10. X Goddess

**Our Melancholy Memoir**

**X. Goddess**

**By Mizer Manakins**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Digimon, nor do I own Shinya or Toshiya…

* * *

Hideto Tenjou. My mentor who would teach me all there is to know about the guitar. But I didn't expect what I saw when I first met my sensei.

My dad insisted on driving me to my first lesson, but I made him stay in the car, and assured him I'd be fine. All I could think about was Tai. These lessons really didn't make any difference to me… But maybe I could impress him… I'd have to get really good.

Everything I did would have to help me to try to win him over… I'd do anything for Tai to feel the same way about me as I do about him… but that could take some work.

Anyways, the 'studio' was really just an apartment, and I doubt my Dad had ever met this 'Hideto'.

I knocked on the door, but I wasn't sure I was even fully prepared for the lesson in the first place. Dad said I didn't need a guitar according to this instructor, which I don't understand. I wasn'teven sure how much Dad was paying for this, but it's pretty pointless to learn how to play if you don't even have the instrument. He just handed me a blank check and told me to just write in the amout I needed.

Strange…

Finally, someone answered my knocking.

The figure at the door, was tall, skinner than me, had bright pink hair that stuck up in the most interesting fashion, and wore a trashed up black and pink sailor fuku with fishnets and combat boots, and plenty of belts and silver necklaces and earrings. It took me a minute or two, but I finally realized it was a woman, not a crossdressing man.

"Uh, hi…"

"You Yamato?"

I nodded. I all my days, I had never seen anyone so… intriguing. And I felt rather… preppy, still with my school uniform on. At least it was the same one I had been wearing for the last week. I have more than one, and my friends all knew it was the same wrinkled one I had on the day before, but my appearance really hasn't been an issue to me lately. Apparently since _that_ hadn't gotten his attention, I'd have to head in a different direction.

"Okay, I'll tell ya what we're gonna do. We're gonna sit down, and we're gonna talk."

What the hell is her problem? And where is the teacher? Was this his girlfriend?

"First tell me who you are."

"I'm Hideto."

What the hell?…

"Uh…"

"Oh, the name? Really, my name's Yukiko. Yukiko Tenjou. Ever heard of Xjapan?"

Now I was starting to understand. I nodded.

"I have all their CD's. Let me guess, you were a hide fangirl and-"

"Took on his name when he died. Yup. But I wadn't no fangirl. More than that. I wanted to be just like 'im. He was my idol. The whole reason I wanted to play. Now will you come in?"

I nodded once again. God, I feel like a freakin bobblehead toy… But anyhow, this could be interesting.

I entered the door, kicked my shoes off, and looked around at my surroundings. It was pretty messy, but that's no big deal… Tai's room was way messier than this. Shit. Tai. He hates me.

She directed me to the small living room, where I sat down on the ragged blue couch, and she sat down in the large black pleather computer chair across from me.

"So, Yamato, tell me about yourself."

How was this supposed to teach me to play the guitar? Oh well. At least I'm not at home, pondering all the different reasons why Tai hates me.

"I'm Yamato Ishida, age sixteen, junior, tall enough, not fat, current mood, pretty crappy. Is that good enough?"

"Eh, it's okay. I'm Hideto Tenjou, born February 23rd, a long time ago, making me twenty-one, taller than you, thinner too, current mood, none of your buisness. How's that? I like to cosplay and play my guitar, along with listening to music, and I'm working to save up for college or something… If they accept me or not is not my problem, because I've got my guitar, therefore I'm happy. You got any friends?"

That's a subject I knew a lot about, but didn't really enjoy it.

"Yeah…"

"Best friend?"

"Well… sort of."

"Sort of?"

"Well, he kinda… has this girlfriend… and…"  
"Ah."

"Ah, what?"

"I knew it."

"Knew what?"

Damn, what did I do?

"You like him, don't you?"

"What?"

"You like him. But he likes the girl, so there's problems."

"No…"

"You're lying."

"Okay, fine! Yes, I do."

Damn, she's good…

"But how would you know? I barely know you!"

"Hun, I've been through it all before. Me and this girl, Rumi, were great friends until we got older. I liked her, but she apparently didn't like me like that, and in turn found it gross. Ruined what was left of my reputation at school, but I had already pretty much trashed it myself."

"Oh… so you're a-"

"No, I am NOT a lesbian. I'm bi. There's a difference. But what the big deal? You're gay."

Well, I guess that's true. Sometimes I forget that little fact… more like that little word. I'm just in love. At least, that's all it is _to me_.

But it seems I have something in common with this woman. No, not a mere woman… More like an angel, with understanding beyond this earth. I almost forgot about my problems with Tai for a moment. I want to be something, and if I waste all of my time trying to win him back, I'll die in the effort. But I will continue to chase him… Maybe I'll succeed…

We continued to talk for a while, and finally she said something relevant to why I was there.

"Let's go get you a guitar."

I know. It was sudden. But we were on the way to the store in no time.

I felt like such a nerd. This uniform is UGLY. But not too ugly… but really, Hideto has so much better fashion sense… Some people may think her to be a freak, but I think she's beautiful. Not in any romantic way, of course. She's beautiful in nature. Her personality is so pure. I admire her, even though I've only known her an hour or two. I know we'll get along fine… I need all the honest friends I can get right now… And for once, someone understands why I'm so affected by Tai like this. Koushirou got exactly what he wanted… I envy that lucky bastard… At least one of my friends is better off than I. I know thinking pessimistic thought won't get me anywhere, but…

"This one, maybe?"

She held out a black and blue electric guitar in front of me.

"Um…"

"Hold it. Tell me if it feels like the right one."

I did as she told, and after going through about four more, I decided the first was the one I wanted. She explained it was technically for beginners, but I could still use it far after then. It seemed rather Mana-esque, but I admire his music so having a guitar that reminds me of him is fine by me. And so we used that blank check well, but I just hope dad's okay with the price. Hideto showed me how to hold it, and how to practice positioning my fingers for the chords, told me to practice that much, and on Thursday she would actually teach me chords.

We returned, I called my father, and he showed up soon after. I said goodbye to my highly valued sensei, and went home, my problems somewhat seemed less, and I felt strangely confident… But I still think about him… Taichi, I will win your heart.

**

* * *

**R&R

Mizer Manakins


	11. XI Absent

**Our Melancholy Memoir**

**XI. Absent**

**By Mizer Manakins**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything in this story except it's sheer stupidity and Hideto. My OC! XD I'm so happy!

* * *

Tai likes Sora. What does she have, that I don't? I mean _other_ than boobs, and even those are almost nonexsistent.

She's not pretty. I am.

Does he like ugly girls or something?

She's a bitch. I don't think I am, am I?

She is way too clingy.

Me? Clingy? Whatever.

She's an only child.

No way. If he doesn't like me because I have little brother, then he's out of luck. I am not going to kill Takeru just for him… Or will I?… I doubt he'd approve of that, considering his sister would kill him if he was happy her boyfriend was dead. Yeah, so I'm not sure if they've figured it out yet, but we all know they're destined for each other.

But what can I do for me and Tai to be together forever?

There's a million different things I can change about myself… If only one of them was good enough… I don't know what to do… Hideto understands, but… she can't help me fix things. She told me the girl she liked ended up pregnant and dropped out during her sophomore year, and she never heard from her again.

I don't want Tai getting pregnant. If he does, he'll leave me forever.

Can't have that, now can we?

What can I change that will make him like me more than Sora? What can I change to make him like me at all?

I don't know. I continue to sit here on my bed, doing absolutely nothing, trying to think of what to change about myself. I can't be happy if he's with Sora. But I think I got some sleep for once. But before I knew it, it was time to go to school again.

Yes, back to that hellhole. Where nothing but my torture awaits me.

Torture? That doesn't even begin to describe it. Rumors are flying about me now. I was asking for it, but does it matter? It's just my peers. When all I want is just one person to notice me. Yes, he notices, but only as a friend. Nothing more. But that's what I want.

So I guess I'm screwed.

No… I can make it work…

Tai… I will make it work.

But I can't stop those wicked rumors… Why should I? They're true.

First it started with me totally neglecting my appearance, and just as I suspected, those annoying girls had a cow aobut it. Not my problem, but they apparently began to formulate reasons why. My grandma died, I had a girlfriend, but she dumped me, it was that Mimi girl, ect.

I must admit Mimi has saved my ass from those chicks before, by posing as my girlfriend… but that's most certainly not it.

Then Mimi, Koushirou and I would talk a lot… and some of them overheard. That's what I get. So now the big thing around school is "Yamato Ishida is gay!"

Oh what fun. I notice that bushy haired brunette dismisses these lightly. To him, it's just another silly rumor about me. There have been plenty, but my favorite was the one where I was secretly dating the super pop star Nami Tamaki. HA! Where they got that one, I'll never now. That's the stuff Kari and Mimi listen to. I wouldn't listen to her, much less date her.

But now everyone has at least heard it, but whether they believe it or not doesn't matter. They can think what they want… Or I can just live up to my reputation. Either way, it works.

But at least this year is almost over. I don't even sit at the same lunch table as him anymore. I can't. She makes him lunch, and they're always so lovey dovey. But Mimi joins me occasionally, but Jyou and Koushirou have begun to sit at my empty table. It's not like there's anyone else I can sit with. Anywhere I go, there's either girls pointing and giggling, or there's guys giving me dirty looks and calling me a fag. Real nice stuff.

So what if they don't like me? At least none of 'em are stupid enough to pick a fight with me. Then we'd have trouble.

I go to my lessons twice a week, and soon, after school lets out, I'll be going four times a week. That's okay, because I have absolutely nothing planned for this summer. Yes, the Yagami's usually throw a few parties, but I'm not sure if I can bear to go or not…

Tai hasn't been acting any different… He doesn't _act_ like he hates me, but he sure doesn't make it a point to talk to me. He didn't seem to mind when I moved to a different table, or when I just started avoiding him altogether. It's just too painful to be around him when I know he hates me… he may not show it on the outside, but I know he doesn't care at all…

So what can I do? I keep asking myself that, but I never come up with a good enough answer.

I'm so pathetic. All I do is sit around wondering what I could do, or ask myself why he doesn't like me… I have to take action. And I just hope my friend Hideto isn't busy today.

Mimi asked me if I wanted to go shopping with her after school, but I had to turn her down, and told her maybe another day.

So by throwing my pride out the window, I called Hideto.

"Y'llo."

"Em… Hi. It's me…"

If I was going to stand any chance at winning Tai over, I was going to need help.

"Oh, hey Matt. 'Sup?"

I mean, yeah, Mimi _could_ help me, but I don't feel like discussing this stuff with her…

"I was just wondering if you were… busy today?"

Not to mention, she doesn't really know how to help me.

"Eh… why?"

At least not the help I need.

"… Can you help me with something?"

" What kinda help?"

It was now or never. I choose now.

"Can you teach me how to put on makeup?"

* * *

R&R

Mizer Manakins


	12. XII Queen

**Our Melancholy Memoir**

**XII. Queen**

**By Mizer Manakins**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Digimon…

* * *

All my wondering had begun to make sense. If he doesn't like me because I'm a guy, then why don't I fix that? Nothing drastic, of course. There's no way I'll completely stop being a guy just for him, but if I can at least LOOK like a girl, maybe he'll pay attention to me… Maybe he'll actually consider it… But I have to be hot.

I'm not some sort of sick narcissist, of course, but I'm rather good-looking anyway, so it shouldn't be too hard, correct?

I don't find anything wrong with dressing as a girl, as some of the most successful men today do all the time. Yes, they are just members of bands, but they're hot. Freaking hot and making a lot of money. If they looked like normal guys, there's really no chance they would have gotten anywhere, so their effeminite ways really got them somewhere in life. Well, I know that's not completely true, but I'm trying to stay positive… I have to do everything in my power to change this, so… I'll follow examples of success, even if they aren't exactly successful with what I'm wanting…

I'm not aiming so fame, though… Just for him.

I actually recall when he first saw a certain male jrocker, he said 'she' was hot… so maybe I can get that same reaction out of him.

I want to follow the ways of the jrock girl, so who better to ask than the queen of them all, Hideto. Every lesson I had, she had a different look. Illuminati Mana, Mana Moi Dix Mois, Shinya chick-mode, Toshiya Myaku-style, Mana Bara no Seido, Feminine Gackt, Tetsu in the plaid manskirt, Hyde in all his feminine glory, Toshiya in the hot black and shiny leather, racoon Kyo, Yoshiki, and the list goes on. If I wanted a master of makeup to help, she was the one.

Mimi does do makeup, but not the makeup I want. Mimi's a… pop chick. I want something a little less cheery, and a little more me.

But will I really do it? Yeah, I have Hideto to help me with it, and yeah she's got supplies, but will I really sacrifice my masculinity for the love and adoration of Tai?…

You bet.

I'd do anything… This is totally not me, is it?… I don't recognize myself anymore. I take a step back and I'm wondering what the hell my problem is… It's just a guy… I'm still young. I can just get over this and find someone who'll appreciate me the way I am… right? Wrong. It's MY Taichi, not just a guy. I love him, although I'm not sure what love is supposed to feel like… I haven't really liked anyone else before, so how do I know this is the real deal?… I don't. I just know I love him. I can't get over it. If my own best friend can't like me like this, I have to change. How can anybody like me? I'm not good enough for Tai, but… I want to be.

DAMN YOU, WAVERING EMOTIONS!

I somehow got to Hideto's apartment complex… I suppose I shouldn't think so hard. I'll hurt myself that way.

Knock. Knock.

The music is blaring, so I try the doorbell.

Doorbell rings, still no answer. I listen carefully. Dir en Grey – Schwein no isu.

At least it's not Mazohyst of Decandence… That songs sends shivers down my spine… she's probably singing along as she worships Kyo.

So I have to let myself in.

I open the door, and there she is standing on her worn out couch, holding an imaginary microphone screeching along with Kyo.

"GEIST! SEELE! WILLE! ZELLE! GEIST! SEELE! WILLE! ZELLE!"

Her eyes are screwed shut and she continues to scream. And scream. And scream. All the time, I was holding my hands over my ears, but I still heard everything perfectly. I finally found her stereo (she's really big into feng shui, so I never know where anything is.) and turned the whole thing off. Then she noticed I was there.

"You could have just rang the doorbell, ya no."

"I did."

"Well…"

"So… how come you haven't been evicted?"

"Hm? Why?"

"You live in an apartment."

"Ya don't think about why I'm on the top floor? As far from the middle of the floor as possible?"

I thought… It's true. She's on the top floor, last door on the floor…

"And besides, there's no one living in the room below me. They're renovating. And my next door neighbors are never home anyways. They do all of their partying outside of this dump. Not like they would mind. This whole trash heap is crawling with freaks like me."

"Ah…"

Pretty well thought out explanation.

"So we should get moving."

Here I go. Straight down the drain. Into the world of… gayness and girldom. Drag queen central. Jrockers R' Us. Hideto's costume room.

Yes, she has an entire room in her tiny apartment for her hairpieces, outfits, accessories and makeup. And I never knew it was there, although I have wondered where she kept everything.

There was everything from handmade pieces to Moi-Meme-Moitie and the like. I don't have any idea how she could have afforded more than two of those dresses, and it was almost as if she read my mind.

"I stole em."

"What!"

"Joking! Birthday present! I asked my folks to just forget the dumb presents and sweaters and just put together money with my other relatives to buy me a dress. They didn't pick the one I wanted, so the next year, I insisted they do the same thing, only I picked the dress. I like em both though. This one's very… Chii. I even made matching Persocom ears to go with it… Hey Yamato, you'd make a really cute Persocom."

She continued to ramble on as I wandered around the room, admiring the handiwork on the Sailor Uranus outfit. It didn't look like crap, unlike most of the ones I have seen.

NO, I DO NOT ATTEND CONVENTIONS… I just see the pictures in magazines and stuff…. Who the hell am I thinking to?…

"If you're done looking around, we'd better get to the most important part. We'll find what looks good on you AFTER we do your makeup."

This was going to be great. Really, I'm just so enthused.

It's all for Tai. It's all for Tai. It's all for Tai. Damn mantra. For some reason, it's not making me feel any better about this. I mean, yeah, makeup washes off, but it could forever damage my reputation… What reputation? Any day Sora could just send that down the drain, and feel no remorse whatsoever. So what the hell? It IS for Tai. I will dress as a woman for the love of Tai, and I don't care what anyone thinks about it! No, that's not true, but I need to break out of the old Yamato. The old Yamato didn't work out so great, so a new identity may be the best option to win his affection…. It's not like I have many options in the first place, do I?

She sits me down at a table, much like those you see movie stars sitting at when they have their faces done, but she shoved a bottle of light goop in my hand.

"This is liquid base. Some people prefer to use powder, but I think it looks tacky when you can see it. This is close to your skin tone, so as long as you blend it in good, it'll look fine."

I opened the bottle and paused. Was it really worth it?… Tai? Hell yeah. I turned the bottle upside down and that stuff is DAMN COLD. But why am I complaining? She's actually willing to help me out, so I'd better just do as she says.

After I got it on, I didn't see too much of a difference, and I don't really see what the point of that was.

We spent over two hours on mascara, eyeshadows, eyeliner, and the ever powerful lipstick.

"Now don't put bright red on, because then it just makes you look like a hooker/ transvestite. If you want red, go for darker shades like maroon. Pinks are okay, but they tend to wash your other features out. Okay? And don't go over your natural lipline unless you want lips like Mana… Even those aren't real."

I just nodded. I looked like shit in my opinion, but this entire time, she had been making me do it myself. I'm clumsy with those tiny applicators, and I look like a clown.

"Practice makes perfect. You have to figure out what looks best on you and how to get it to look that way."

That was her only explanation. I'm really beginning to doubt I'll be able to pull this off, but I do have all summer to practice.

"Hey, are you okay with dying your hair?"

What the hell was I getting into? I've tapped into the ultra-girly side of Hideto, and she's acting a lot like Mimi… Except with spiky blonde hair and Kyo-esque makeup.

"You need to learn how to sew! Then you could make yourself lots of really cute outfits!"

"But we're not allowed to wear outside clothes in school."

"No problem! Graduated senior girls almost always sell their uniforms! Haven't you ever figured that out?"

"Uh, I'm a guy. I wouldn't know."

"Well wash that stuff off! I know where we can get a few in just your size!"

"Are you sure they'll allow it?"

What the hell? If I started wearing the girls uniform to school, I think someone would notice. And I'd get in trouble.

"Nah, I graduated from your school wearing the boys uniform. You just have to refuse to go to school unless you can wear the girls uniform. It's approved by the school, and I remember they never changed the wording in the school rules. They never specified what gender was to wear which uniform."

"So…"

Damn, she's good. But wait a minute…

"If you told them about the miswording, why didn't they change it?"

"I didn't. They just went with the deal that I would come to school as long as I wore a uniform. Try that, and only use the rules as a last resort."

So my whole life is going to hell, and I'm going to be the school drag queen. How much better could things get? Tai might like me then.

* * *

R&R


	13. XIII Comrade

**Our Melancholy Memoir**

**XIII. Comrade**

**By Mizer Manakins**

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it, okay?

* * *

I washed my face and we were off on another shopping trip. The first time was strange enough, but today she's Aya… But at least I convinced her to change. She was GOING to go out in public as Illuminati Gackt. I figured she might not be allowed in many facilities dressed like THAT, so she chose Aya's trademark yellow dress with the big pink heart and the party hat. Yeah. Yellow platforms too.

Once I asked her why she dresses as so many other artists aside from hide, and she just explained it as so much other music has been made possible because of him, so why shouldn't she listen to it, much less dress like it?

I'll just take that as a fancy way of saying because she can.

I followed her out the door, three blocks down the street, and to yet another apartment complex. Up the stairs two flights, third door on the right. She knocked, we waited, and a girl answered the door. I recognized her as one of Mimi's older friends, and she invited us in eagerly. Oh god no. Not one of THOSE girls…

"Oh, so you want to buy my old uniforms? Hideto, I thought you had about five of em already."

"Eh, they're not your schools. I need some more to mess up."

Ah, so she's going to pretend she's buying them for herself… Saves me the embarrassment.

"Well… I have three of em. They pretty worn out, but I hope that doesn't bother you."

"It'll do. Oh, by the way this is-"

"I know, Yamato Ishida…"

She's got that look… No…

"But I heard he was gay. Apparently not if he's with you, eh?"

What the hell!

"Whatever you say."

No no no no no! I am not with HER! She's way too old! I don't find her pretty! I don't like her! She's a girl! She's a girl! She's not Tai! Okay, maybe I'm overreacting, but my years of training my face to freeze pays off. No one seemed to suspect I was boiling. But I have a lot to say to her later.

"You're so lucky… Always get the hot ones, ne?"

"Go for 'em, Serina. They don't just come to you."

What the hell? Girl speak! I'm not accustomed with this shit! What the hell? She's one of those damn girls that drool and drool and scare the shit outta me. And now Hideto's giving her advice. NOOOOO!

I'll just bear with it. She getting the uniforms, and I'll casually offer to pay for them… Yeah. She thinks I'm her boyfriend, so it wouldn't seem strange… Right?

"I'll get them for you. How much?"

"Oh, he's so sweet to you, Hideto! I envy you… Hmmm. Three uniforms… Normally I'd say a hundred… but you're cute. I'll sell em' for fifty."

"Fifty it is."

The only good thing about girls that like you is they do you favors. Good, because I only have fifty-two dollars with me.

We pay, we leave, I explode. But I tried to keep my voice down.

"What were you thinking? I am NOT your boyfriend!"

"Yeah, and? What's a little pretending going to do? It's just fun."

"Fun! No, it's not fun! She's a friend of a friend's!"

"Okay, so now you're not gay."

"No, that friend knows that, and if she hears I have a 'girlfriend', she might tell Tai! And then my chances are totally shot with him!"

"Ever considered the chance you might be bi?"

"No, I am not! I like Tai, and only Tai! I'll only like Tai! No one else, ever!"

I don't like anyone else… It's all about Tai, right? Yes, it's all for Tai. Why the hell would I be doing any of this?

"… You're a brat, ya no that? A totally spoiled brat, and you're blind to everything around you that you don't wish to see. What can I expect? You're just a kid…"

Damn, so now I'm a kid? I don't think I can let all of this pass, but I can at least try to laugh it off, right? I'll try.

"Yeah, I'm a brat… Thanks anyway for helping out with this shit… I'd better get heading home…"

She nodded in agreement and handed me the plastic bag of uniforms.

" Remember, you've got lessons tommorow, m'kay?"

I think that meant she forgave me. I'll just hope it does.

I get home and follow the usual routine. Go in my room, pull out my journal and a pen, and sit on my bed. I made a promise to Tai, and this one I will never break. I'll continue to write, even if he doesn't.

* * *

I can't help but wonder… could I like someone other than Tai? Just because I say I like him doesn't mean I can't like two people at once, right?… I just doubt myself all the time. Why am I doing this? I say it's for the love of Tai, but what if it just drives him away? Then it would all be pretty pointless…

Now that the conversation I had with Hideto starts to sink in, I wonder how much I could have hurt her. She's there trying to help me get you, and I just blow up in her face… She's right. I'm just a kid. And I don't want that. I don't want to be a child. Children are dumb and make mistakes and just do them all over again… That was a big mistake on my part, so I'm going to be an adult and learn from it… What I said… now it's starting to make me sick. I say I'll never like anyone else, and I truly believe that, but what if someone I know were to hear that. What if someone who liked me heard that? It certainly wouldn't help them, and I know how much it hurts to not be with the one you love, but I suppose it would hurt ten times more to know you'd never have a chance. And what if Tai were to hear that? Then what? He might see me as obsessive and pathetic, and he might pretend to have feelings for me out of pity. I don't want pity. I want the real thing, and I'd better be careful with my words. She was just trying to help by not raising any suspicions, and I realize that now. I _am_ a brat… And I am blind. Everything is all about Tai, but does this make me happy?… I don't know anymore…

So what do I know? Nothing, really. I know I think I'm in love, but I'm not sure what love is supposed to be… I've never been in love before, or maybe I have but I just didn't know what it was…

Dammit all to hell….. So Hideto… What is she to me, then? Just a mentor?… But… if that's all she is to me, why did I explode back there? She's my friend, yes… But should I trust myself? I love Tai, right? That's why I'm doing this… right?

What if… what if I did like her? Then what?… Tai. Tai is everything to me, and what if he did like me, only to find out I also liked someone else… What would that do to him? I'll just assume he'll hate me and his heart would be broken, which I would never want… He's everything, right? I need to be sure of where my heart lies… How can just one person do this?… Tai, you bastard… I don't know how I'm ever going to tell him… truthfully, at least. I've managed to mess things up quite well already.

I suppose that's why I'm trying so hard… I guess that's just how I am… Screw up and then do everything possible to make things better and more…

But that possibility… what if I AM bi?… No, that would mean I like a girl, or have liked a girl, or I don't know… I'm attracted to girls, but I'm not! I only have eyes for Tai, and I'm going to keep it that way!… It's not fair… What's not fair? Damn… I'm not making any sense. Tai. Tai. Tai. I love Tai. I love Tai. I love Tai, and absolutely no one else. Dammit, Yamato! Why is it I'm feeling something else? I'm just dying for Taichi Yagami, and now I'm starting to question that?… I can't doubt it…

There's also something else on my mind… other than Tai. What if I never win him over? And what am I going to do with my life? It's not like I'm super smart with computers like Koushirou, or great with kids like Kari and Sora (boo! Hiss!)… and I'll never be athletic like Daisuke or Tai (drool!), so what am I going to do after school?……….. Chasing Tai isn't going to put food on the table, and I'm most definitely not going to live with my parents. The only thing I seem to be good at is cooking, and really, me? A chef?… Maybe. The only thing I ENJOY is… I really don't know. I like to play my guitar, but is that just because I enjoy hanging out with Hideto?……. No. I'm not going to even think that. She's my friend… Friend, nothing more… Nothing. But now I feel bad again. I really should have controlled myself. Dammit Yamato. You screwed up again…

Yamato out.

* * *

Dammit.

* * *

R&R

Mizer Manakins


	14. XIV Synopsis

**Our Melancholy Memoir**

**XIV. Synopsis**

By Mizer Manakins

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Digimon.

* * *

Sometimes I wonder if I'm being a little overobsessive about all of this. Why can't I like girls? What if Tai hates me or worse, just wants us to stay friends? What if I'm messing everything up between everyone around me? Then again, I think, why the hell am I worrying about it? I'm not dead, so I've still got a chance at Tai, and I'm taking it.

But I wish I wasn't such a bitch at times. Yeah, a bitch. Kinda sucks, but then if I was nice, nothing would be right with the world, now would it?

I spent the whole summer grooming, preening, getting tips from Hideto (yes, of course we made up!), and playing guitar. She says I've got talent, so I'm going with it. I like to play, and I've gotten better. Maybe I should stick with it… maybe even become famous… that's one thing I could do with my life… It's not like I enjoy science like Jyou. So maybe I've found my calling. Maybe I'm just an idiot. Either way I've got something to do with my time.

A few weeks before school started, I got to thinking… I want to be a whole new person… New name, everything. I've got the nails and makeup, and Hideto's even suggested maybe dying my hair. I guess I never really thought about it, but it's gotten longer, and I might like to try out being a brunette for a while…. Like Ashlee Simpson.

Yamato Ishida……… Feminine… something not Yamato…… Maya…. Yato… nah. Toya, maybe? Cute, kinda kickass, but also a guys name so also kinda androgynous, like Rumer and Scout.…. I like it.

Dunno.

So I dyed my hair. Got a name to go with the new me. Now it's all to win his heart.

Maybe I'd be a little happier if waxing my legs wasn't so painful.

I continue to write in my journal. I won't stop just because we're not exactly close right now. Maybe it'll add a little sex appeal if he knew that all this time I kept my promise…. Hmm….. All the more reason for me to continue.

SCHOOL IS BACK IN SESSION! First day is tomorrow, and I'm ready for anything. Hideto helped me the whole summer, and I've got my makeup routine down to fifteen minutes. Dad's never home anyway, so he hasn't had anything to say about it. Actually, I really enjoy wearing skirts. Their cute, flaunt my legs, and there's a breeze! Better than my former favorite pair of damn leather pants…. Now they're my favorite super cute leather miniskirt with beaded fringe on the bottom, courtesy of Hideto.

I haven't seen much of anyone from school this summer. Mimi stopped by once or twice, but since I wasn't there, she just left me notes.

I really just want a reaction from Tai… I can't wait for tomorrow, but then again, maybe I can… It's the beginning of my senior year, and I'm not even sure if I want to go. I could drop out now if I wanted, seeing as I was only REQUIRED to go through middle school…. But that would be completely pointless. I'm there to impress Tai, and if I drop out… well, that idea's down the drain. I guess I'll graduate, but there's no way I'm going to go to college. I just wanna play my music… Maybe I can start a band, but maybe there's no one in our school that plays anything… I never really looked for anyone. Wow. Something other than Tai to think about.

I still wonder if maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he liked me the way I was, but he just like Sora more?…. I doubt it. How could anyone like both of us and pick HER! That's insane.

Now to sleep.

Must sleep.

Dammit, I can't! I keep having dreams… more like nightmares. Five little mini-nightmares all in one night. I don't ever really recall any of them but I barely wake up, then fall back asleep and in the morning I feel terrible. DAMN.

So I lay there (of course, after cleaning my face off! I can't risk getting zits!). Probably for hours. I kinda lost track of time. But I guess I dozed off because at 6:30 in the morning, my dad beat on my door telling me to get up for school. Then as always, he left for work. Buttoned my skirt, threw on my white shirt, making sure to tuck in the bottom a little and leaving the top ones undone, and throwing on my lovely blazer, loose socks, and loafers. Checking my hair in the mirror, I went for my usual fifteen minutes of makeup, but I took a little longer just making sure I was hot enough…

Satisfied with my appearance, I grabbed my bag, made sure my lipstick was in there, and started my way towards school.

Ah, Taichi.

First hour, and lucky me, I snagged a seat next to my beloved. He didn't seem to recognize me, but neither did anyone else there. I could tell people were staring, but what did I care? I knew I was hot, and apparently all my hard work was paying off. But it was pretty pathetic when one of the guys across the aisle asked for my number. I just looked at him like he was crazy. Come on! I may go for guys, but only one…. I only go for one person. I don't care what I may have ever thought about Hideto… She's way too old… And just not my type. I don't have a type of girl, because I don't LIKE THEM.

This is all for Tai, although I must say I'm enjoying myself already, and class hasn't even started yet.

Roll call.

"Aiko Kanbara?"

"Present."

"Akira Seiryo?"

"Here."

"Riko Yamanaka?"

"Over here."

The list went on, but I just had to wonder why the fool was going by our first names…

"Taichi Yagami?"

"Heya, teach!"

"Ah, Yagami. I've heard all about you… I'm overjoyed…"

Haha. Sarcasm. This guy was obviously new.

"Umi Houji?"

"Present."

"Yama-"

"Please, call me Toya."

"Oh, well okay, I'll change that…."

ThenI saw a head turn. The only one I would want to ever look at me.

"Holy hell…."

"Yes?"

* * *

R&R


	15. XV Turmoil

**Our Melancholy Memoir**

**XV. Turmoil**

**By Mizer Manakins**

Disclaimer: I do not own Digimon.

* * *

I have a mission: win his heart or die trying, right? Or at least, that's how I SHOULD view it, I guess. I have to be dedicated. I have to be confident. I have to be able to control my nerves.

My heart is pounding so fast, I swear I'm gonna die if it doesn't slow down… Calm down. You know you can do this… But what did that 'holy shit' mean?…

Quick solution: smile and look hot.

I guess that'll work… Oh thank god it is! He's… blushing? Seriously? Niiice.

But I don't understand how things can be going this good for me? Isn't this where all my hopes and dreams are to be shattered by some unexplained but inescapeable fate that is determined to make my life a living hell? Some sort of divine intervention, maybe? Punishment for this revolt against nature, perhaps? Nothing? Hm… Well, I'm sure the worst has yet to come.

Why, you ask? Hm… Let's think. I'm a guy in high school, wearing a girls uniform, and I'm trying to lure in the most popular guy in school. Something is bound to go wrong. But if something is going to go wrong anyway, then why should I be so cautious again?… Maybe because I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ELSE TO DO! Ah, but I'll never let them know. Can't have that, now can we? Really, I'm kinda… dare I say scared? He still hasn't said anything, and I'm sitting here, grinning like an idiot… can't tell what he's thinking. He's got a pretty blank look. What is he going to do? Punch me? Kill me? Laugh? I guess I'd better do something.

"So how was your summer?"

He blinks. Then shakes his head in disbelief.

"Uh, wha?. Me?"

I nod. He's so cute when he's confused. Wait… confused about WHAT?

"Oh, um, I, it was, uh, okay, I guess…"

Oi, is it just me or is he… blushing? I turned back around to face the front and adjusted my skirt… Gonna have to get used to that. And all hour, I just keep wondering… What exactly is he thinking? Doesn't he know who I am? It's pretty pathetic, since he's only been my best friend for like EVER.

The rest of the day was somewhat heaven, somewhat hell. I did have a blast when some punk grabbed my ass, apparently not knowing who I was, so I turned around, using my deepest manly voice, and asked him to be a doll and not do it again. Just as I suspected, he was horrified and embarrassed as him friends teased him endlessly.

But although I don't exactly believe in karma, it seems to believe in me, because my friends wouldn't shut up. I ended up at the same lunch table as them, making sure Taichi was down at the other end, just to avoid direct friendly conversation and in turn, interesting him even more. (seems all those years of trying NOT to flirt with girls taught me what to do when I wanted to flirt…. Pathetic, ne?)

I just had to wait for him.

Now I just have to stop being so damn happy. I'm really stressing out and I can't think of anything to say suddenly, because by glancing down the table, isee that he's talking to one of his friends… who seems to know exactly who I am…. And all I can do is whisper frantically to Kou for advice.

"Well, what should I do!"  
"How should I know? This was your plan, remember?"

He's right… and dammit…. I keep watching… and disbelief… then shock… now he looks kinda mad…

Damn. Here he comes. Storming toward the table, and now he's approaching me.

He grabbed me by the arm and… drags me off toward the bathroom, mumbling something about coming with him. I'm a little dazed, but I only hope for the best somewhere in my mind. Really, I'm afraid he's going to kill me…..

Don't you dare freak out, Yamato. This is your future husband here!

Dammit. Even that voice inside my head can't help me now.

He opened the door, dragged me in, the door shut and it's just us… wha?….

He swooped down and my unsuspecting lips are met by his. My knees weaken, and if he weren't there, I surely would have fallen… but…

What does he think he's doing?…. No time for thought, and if the moment never ended, I would be the happiest man alive. But then he pulls back and turns away from me. None of this makes any sense… unless… no, because he knows who I am… but what if….?

"Yamato."

He used my full name. Ouch.

"Why?"

What can I say? He wants to know why, but I want to know why he just did what he did. All he did was grip the sides of the sink and stare in the mirror.

"Tell me. Did you feel anything just then?"

"Tai…" I noticed his grip on the sink tightened.

"Don't call me that. I'm not stupid, man… Why did you think you had to change so much?"

That, I knew the answer to.

"… because, Taichi… I… I love you."

He spun around, seeming rather irritated that I dare say something like that.

"It was NOTHING. I do NOT like you, or any OTHER guy on the face of the planet! I just couldn't, and we'll never be ANYTHING."

His words sting… Burn, is more like it. But I have a few of my own.

"Well why do you THINK I did all this? Because I KNOW you don't like me, so maybe you'd like a GIRL more! Is there something about me you find REVOLTING?"

His face reddened with what I suspect was rage, but we were both so out of control, I couldn't stop fuming. But he apparently felt he had to go and say it.

"ONLY THE FACT THAT YOU'RE A FAG!"

Silence. Is that the sound of a heart breaking?

When your best friend betrays you, is there anything to do but grieve the death of a friendship?

* * *

R&R

Mizer Manakins


	16. XVI Anesthetized

**Our Melancholy Memoir**

**XVI. Anesthetized**

**By Mizer Manakins**

Disclaimer: I do not own Digimon.

* * *

What has our friendship meant to him?…

How could he just throw everything we've been through out the window like that?… What happened to accepting me for who I am?

I didn't ask for this. But then again, perhaps I did?… Maybe that's all this was leading to – him telling me off, me left in the floor of the boys bathroom practically drowning in my own tears.

I watched him storm out, yet I couldn't say a word. And now all I can think of are all the things I could have said… the oppurtunity has passed, and I'm out of luck.

The door opens. Why does this all feel so familiar? Mimi comes rushing in, followed by Koushirou, and it's sad. The first thought that came to my mind was to tell Mimi she's in the boys bathroom, but I really shouldn't be talking, now should I? Just a little humor in a poor attempt to lighten the moment. It won't work.

This aching, my god, why? What did I do to deserve _that_? I know there was that chance that he might _reject_ me, but not like _that_… He was my best friend.. so how could he just go and _say_ that? He knows how much that would have hurt me, so even if he no longer wished to be my friend, why the hell did he have to go and make it so painful? It's not like it's the first time I've heard it today, but when it comes from him… It hurts far more than any punishment possible. After all that, he just up and said it. Why? Of all the reasons he could have said… why that? I don't find anything wrong with the fact that I fell in love, but he uses it in that crude fashion all those narrow-minded bastards like to use it. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.

And now he's created this problem for my friends. They worry about me enough to try to talk to me, but I don't hear them… I wish I could, listen, and take in what they're trying to tell me, but my mind feels likes it's just icing over. I never expected it would be like this… of all the things…

The bell rings, dismissing us all back to class, but I just don't care anymore. Right now, it's all about me and Tai, but I can't bear to think of him…

The tears slow, and finally halt, but I refuse to move. I don't care if they give me detention, kick me out, whatever. This is just… misery. No, I haven't even got to misery yet. I will truly be miserable once it finally sinks in that my best friend, Taichi Yagami, hates me. Plain and simple.

But I can't trouble Mimi and Kou, right? So maybe I can fake it… ignore him… but can I do it? Can I really ignore the one I feel so much for?

Can I ever change that? Even if I didn't love him like I do, he is my best friend. Or at least… he was. I don't know anymore.

I just attempt to dry my eyes, stand up and convince them I'm fine. They walk with me in the empty hallways, and I think they keep asking me if I'm sure I'm okay, but I still can't hear them.

Everything is just gone.

They reach their classes, dropping off, and I just am overcome with the urge to puke. I head for the nearest bathroom, heave, and after washing my face, head to the nurse for permission to go home.

Today couldn't get any worse, could it?

* * *

I managed to convince the nurse to allow me to walk because it wasn't that far, but I don't recall the walk to my house. My mind was, and still is, set on Tai.

As soon as I closed the door, I looked about and saw that everything looked different to me now. My whole perspective on life and every material possesion in sight was different. Is that was breaking down does to you, I wonder?

I have nothing left. Or at least, that's how it feels…

But I have my pen and my guitar.

* * *

It's terrible. Everything. He was supposed to be my best friend, and now he's calling me a fag. That's probably what bothers me the most. Not really the fact that he called me a fag, but more of the reason he said it.

Suddenly I'm foreign to him. That's how I see it. It's different when it's one of your friends who just happens to be attracted to someone who happens to be of the same sex. That's how I see it. By attaching this label to me, he is telling me that I am a stranger, the type of stranger you hear about, but don't really give a damn because you don't know them. It's just not right. It's not like I made a concious decision to like him because he was a guy, did I? It's more just I'm his friend, he's my friend, but hey, I actually really begin to like him as maybe more. I did not become Tai's best friend just because I wanted him to be my boyfriend. That's just shallow, inappropraite, and just plain sick and manipulative. I would never do that to ANY of my friends, because they are, first and foremost, my friends.

But now I understand that, but does anyone else? It's all just so complicated in my mind, but in writing it looks so simple… I love Taichi. Now I just have to sit down and seriously ask myself why… Why do I love Taichi Yagami?

He's always been there, and until now, he's always seemed to care about his friends above all. I like that. He's always been so honest towards me, even today. I may not like what he has to say at times, but I really like the fact that he's got the balls to say what he thinks anyway.

Really, I could go on forever about what I love about him, but isn't it all pretty pointless? I've lost him for now. And I say for now because there's still that hope somewhere inside of me that just prays that he come to my door and we'd be together forever. I don't want to forget him, because the thought of him, although puts me in some pain, it also makes me happy. I can remember all those times when he made me laugh, and those times we were just together. When we were younger and he was so adventurous, always getting us in trouble, but never leaving me.

But now what do I have? I feel like ripping my skin off, screaming. The blood pulsing through my veins seemed to be mocking me. I'm want to die so much… but I'm still here. And it laughs endlessly as I worry about tomorrow.

* * *

It seems my whole body has become numb. Am I still alive? All the tears have stopped, all the pain is gone, but I'm sitting here in this room alone.

My whole life seemed like some sort of twisted dream as I looked back on all the things I had done. When had anything really seemed this real? I think it was his words that struck me so hard… I don't know if this is life anymore. I'm deadened inside, it's all happened so fast. Why does everything seems to crash all at once?

What is there left to do? I suppose…. If I'm really dead, I won't be able to feel, so if I'm just dreaming for all eternity… nothing can hurt me anymore. I can hurt in my heart all I want, but anything I do here just isn't real. I'm already dead, so any physical damage is beyond the point, correct?

But… I don't know myself anymore… and it's almost as if a blanket has fallen over me. I can't see out, nor can anyone see me, but somehow they know I'm here. No one is doing anything about it… I'm alone.

And I lost complete control over myself. Just immense amounts of sorrow and doubt filled my mind, and I began rummaging all through the house looking for something to tell me this is all real. What is something that could never happen in a dream, I ask myself.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, a voice calls to me… I listen closely, following it's instructions every so carefully. And I don't know why, but I ended up on my bed, prying the casing off a disposable razor with a small screwdriver. I had no thoughts for the future, because to me, there was no future, but I thought about it, and I wasn't doing this to die… it was simply the answer to my question. Am I still here?

The first cut was long, shallow, and it ran about a centimeter away from the vein running vertically in my left arm. The sight of the blood emerging was exhilirating… I loved it, so I continued.

It was nothing serious, but by the time I put the blade down, my eyes gazed lovingly at all ten red lines. One for every year I had known him.

But then I was oversome with guilt, because I knew the pain meant this wasn't a dream. It took a while to sink in, but I had let everyone down… but as that thought arose, another followed – who am I here to impress anymore?

There is nothing for me without Taichi Yagami.

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Mizer Manakins


	17. XVII Affection

**Our Melancholy Memoir**

**XVII. Affection**

**By Mizer Manakins**

**Disclaimer:** I don't, and never will own Digimon… It's so sad….

**Dedication:** Jebbie and Minni

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He couldn't know what he meant to me if he treated me like that, and I realize this now. He is the same simple-minded IDIOT I fell for, and I know I have no chance at all. But he just doesn't get how much he means to me. How much he still means to me. I never once stopped

That day changed my whole life. Without even having Tai as a friend, I spiraled into a whirlpool of depression. The cuts grew deeper and became an addiction… an addiction I'm still fighting… now, it just seems so routine and if I go long enough that all the wounds close up fully… I just feel empty and meaningless.

But what meaning did I ever really have? There wasn't really much of me that didn't revolve around Tai, so I never stopped thinking about him. I haven't seen him since we graduated just this last month, and although it is only just a month, it seems like an eternity. I can't stop thinking about him. It took me far too long to realize I was in love with him, and now I'm suffering in some sort of terrible silence…

I began to surround myself in my music, and it soon became my other meaning for exsistence. I would simply make music from my thoughts of him. He is… I suppose, my muse. If my heart hadn't frozen over like it did, there would be nothing to write about. And there is not a hope for an 'us' in the future. Maybe I'm trying to move on… Maybe I'm just dwelling on the fact that I have nothing now.

But why do I turn to her? As soon as graduation came around, Hideto offered me a place in her apartment – why was this a surprise? For some reason, we had been dating for six months by then. She seemed to really like me, and I knew I had nothing else, so maybe she was my only chance. She has been here for me more than anyone… and she tries so hard to make me happier… and to lose these habits of mine. She has helped me bring my musical skills far beyond what I thought they could be, so I kind of feel like I owe her one.

If it makes her happy being with me, I can at least give her something in return for all her efforts. And much to my surprise – and relief – she refuses to let anyone near her. Not like I ever tried, but she has made it clear that she intends to wait until marriage.

She has moral values, despite how she acts, and I respect her. Why shouldn't I go out with someone like that? Is there some law forbidding me to date a really great girl?

Yes. In my mind, I know it's wrong that I lead her on like this, but I don't want her to be upset. It's not like I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but until she finds someone she can really love, I can just be here for her. But this whole time, it's just seemed to be her as my older sister… We say we're dating, but there just isn't really all that much different, except for the fact that she likes to make out – a lot. We share clothes, makeup, discuss new songs and such, and now we're even thinking about starting a band.

I feel bad sometimes… because it's not her there when she kisses me. It's always Taichi, no matter what I do.

Why the hell am I using her? She's been such a good friend these past few years and she's been there for everything… but then I know she knew how I felt about Tai, so why are WE together? Has she given up on me too? Or at least me and him?

And why are we still together if I wake up in the middle of the night about from nightmares of the day everything changed in the world? And she comes in and calms me down and I just can't get him out of my mind. I can't forget him, and I hate the fact that I don't feel the same for her as she apparently does for me.

But if I let this continue… if I let this continue, it could get out of hand, and she may end up hurting even more.

I just wanted her to be happy, so I never really objected to us dating… but I just can't do it. I can't keep betraying my closest friend like this.

She has become my closest, and one of my few friends left. After that day, Koushirou and Mimi seemed so far from me. Tai still talked to them like nothing had happened, and then they would show up at the table and try to make conversation with me. I couldn't see that working all that great, so eventually, I just distanced myself, so they wouldn't have to put up with me and my not being able to see everything fine without me. I still love him… and I guess that's what really hits me. Sometimes, it's like he forgot I exist.

But then why am I with Hideto? I think she's pretty and everything, but I'm think it goes without saying that I don't find her 'attractive'. Hell, sometimes it seems like we're COMPETING for who's hotter. And if something looks better on her than it does me, something must be wrong.

It's something to keep my mind on, I guess. But I feel like such an ass. I mean, how can I be doing this to her? Or myself?

I can't ever see me in a real relationship with anyone but Tai – so of course, I can't really see anything, but much less a girl. It's just so weird to think that I have a girlfriend. Usually, any normal guy would find it weird wanting a boyfriend, but then again, most of them don't make off with their girlfriend's skirts on a regular basis – to WEAR them, thank you.

But this just isn't going to work.

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Mizer Manakins


	18. XVIII Impact

**Our Melancholy Memoir**

**XVIII. Impact**

**By Mizer Manakins**

**Disclaimer:** I most obviously do not own Digimon.

**Dedication:** This chapter goes to the writers that have replied to my reviews and got my brain working again!

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I can't help but think what this might be… We can't go on like this – someone will get hurt, so I have to end it now. I have to tell her she's wrong – I can't change, and I won't. I know she knows what she's talking about when she says she understands.

She's been down this path before. She's told me before – she knows rarely anyone is 100 anything. Barely anyone is either 100 straight OR gay, so somewhere inside almost everyone, there's that possibility that this might work out. She believes me to posses this trait. I don't. I know I don't.

But that's wrong. At least for me. I don't love her. I can't. I mean, I do suppose that I can love her as a sister and a mentor and a friend, but never more. It isn't working at all.

We have to talk about this.

She's my beloved mentor. Why would I let myself do this to the both of us? I know Tai is the only one I truly want to be with – at least, that's what this ache in my heart tells me. And maybe I'm putting my friendship with Hideto at risk. I don't want to lose what I've got, not after she's helped me so much. She's done everything perfect until now. She's helped me come into my own self, becoming who I wanted to be. More like who I wanted to be for Tai.

And I'm nothing but a liar. A worthless filthy liar.

His face is emblazoned in my mind. Everything about him, so… perfect. Or at least, that's how I see him… And I don't care if he hates me, because I want nothing more than to win his heart and show him I love him more than anyone ever could. He can't hate me then… can he?

But what am I doing thinking about if TAI is going to hate me when every second that passes that I haven't told Hideto the truth is just… eating away at my very soul. Not only because I know I'm hurting her, but it's having an effect on my conscience.

I don't know how she feels about me, REALLY, so then I worry about that…. And how can I put it? I've got time to think… but I have to break up with her tonight..

I checked my lipgloss in the mirror and fixed a stray hair before walking into the living room to find Hideto sitting on the couch, buckling her shiny black boots. She looked up and chuckled.

"You really much be loving the plaid, I see. But blue? You always struck me as a purple or a green kinda guy."

I couldn't help but smile. She could always do that… For a second, I second guessed my agreement with myself, but then I remembered that little detail that I'm just not attracted to her like I should be to be her 'boyfriend'.

"Eh… So is Kazu going to be here soon with the van?"  
"He said he'll be here shortly – good thing he's got that van or we'd be screwed."

"Yeah…"

There was a silence, but I couldn't bear to break it. I simply watched as she fixed the other buckle, her pink hair falling in her face, and then I watched as she pushed it behind her ear. She stood up and straightened her skirt.

"Well, what are you waiting for? Let's go wait for him."

I smiled and grabbed my jacket and my guitar case off the chair, and headed out the door.

I know this is going to have to end, but I know I want us to still be friends. I've never had a friend like her before, and I don't want to lose that.

Lets just hope nothing ruins it.

Kazu showed up with the van just as we got outside, which was good – we wouldn't be late.

The other guys opened the back door and we put our guitars in the back seat, then climbed in the side door, moving to the seat in front of the guitars and buckled up. She laid her hand on mine and kissed me on the cheek. Kazu started the van down the street, and I just began to tense up. She must have noticed.

"What's wrong?"

Red light. The van came to a hault.

"Erm.. Hideto… I… we… I don't know how to say this…"

Green light. We were on our way again.

"Wait…" she dropped my hand, "this sounds bad… you mean… are you trying to-"

"I'm sorry, but I just can't go on with this…" I whispered, hoping it would soften the blow.

"So we're… done?"

"Yes. I'm… really sorry, but Hideto… you have to understand-"

"It is because of -"

"Oh SHIT!" we heard Kazu yelling from the front seat.

All I saw was some lights and then black.

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Mizer Manakins


	19. XIX Remembrance

**Our Melancholy Memoir**

**XIX. Remembrance**

**By Mizer Manakins**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Digimon.

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Floating in a nonexsistent space, I wonder where the hell I am. Red. Blue. Red. Blue. Voices far away too muffled to decipher their words. What happened? What do I remember?…

Hideto. We had a gig… waiting for Kazu… my skirt, her boots… grabbed our guitars and Kazu showed up with the van. We put our stuff in the back, got in, buckled up and left. Kazu yelled something… wait. Before that, I broke up with Hideto and I ended up here? So is this hell or something? Some sort of punishment for doing something as stupid as dating a girl I could never love like I love –Tai.

I love Tai.

He probably wouldn't care I was here anyway – might actually be happy about it.. After what he said to me.. I didn't want him to think that about me – I'm just a fag and not worth his time. Why would he go and say that?… I just fell in love with him – I didn't suddenly become some sort of monster he should take care to avoid, but it feels like that's all I've become – a pariah unwanted by even my best friend. When all I do is vie for his attention, just wanting him to notice me.. because I love him.

He kissed me. That one time, it wasn't me… but then he went and blew up in my face, so it probably meant nothing. It meant nothing at all, but why do I keep wishing it meant something. Because I'm hopelessly in love with him. How cliché.

Maybe I've got my hopes too high. I probably do, but how is it that I don't really care anymore? He's always on my mind, even when I was with Hideto – which was pretty much a big chunk of the time up until… just now.

I keep wondering where this purgatory may lead me – the reds and blues have all faded, and now I'm trapped in a dull gray – how mundane. But a fitting end, if I do say so myself.

Will I ever see him again?

My eyes shot open, pierced by a blinding white light.

The light at the end of the tunnel? Is this really the end for me?

No. As they adjust to the surroundings, I see dull gray walls, droopy hospital curtains, and a nurse, jotting something down on a clipboard. She notices I'm conscious and informs me of what happened – you think I couldn't figure it out? Car crash, apparently no one was seriously injured – Kazu broke a leg, Wataru had a small wound they had to stitch, and I hit my head pretty hard – they've done all the appropriate scans and I should be out in no time. Isn't that just LOVELY? She just said everyone else was alright, but I couldn't help but wonder about one of my bandmates in particular – my until that night, girlfriend. The nurse leaves and a minute later, Takeru and Hideto enter the doorway. She lingered back, and he dragged gently by the arm. Eye contact didn't seem to be a very good idea at the moment, but I could tell from her smeared makeup she had been crying.

Dammit. I really do feel like an asshole.

"T.K…. you're here?"

"Yeah, well, I AM you're brother. Who else did you expect?"

I remain silent. It was just the tiniest inkling of hope that he might be there… I thought it was the end, and this is just a second chance on fixing things with him, but of course he's not here – he'd probably rather see me dead.

Hideto remained silent also. She simply had her arms crossed and stared at the floor in an attempt to avoid my eyes. But I couldn't dare to even try to look at her – I feel just so horrid about this whole situtation.

"It's not you're fault, okay?"

She had spoke. But that was probably all I was going to get out of her.

"What's not-"

T.K. finished for her, also sensing her unwillingness to speak.

"It was the other driver's fault. Nobody's seriously injured, unless you count Kazu's leg and Wataru's stitches, but the rest is just scrapes, like the nurse said, and…"

"I have to go."

Hideto turned tail and left.

Great. Now I've drove her off too.

The doctor came in, explained I was okay, and then gave me permission to go. Apparently my parents had covered the bill, which was fine by me. I don't think they stayed simply for the reason of seeing their son like this – not in a hospital, but 'Toya'. But then again, they just think it's weird. I'm not out to them.

I pulled the curtain out to change and my brother insisted on interrogating me. But I suppose I deserved it.

"If you weren't in love with her, why the hell were you dating her?"

I can't answer that without sounding like a complete asshole.

So he answered it himself.

"You're still not over him, are you?"

I know the answer to that one.

"You know I'm not, T.K."

"Then you should clear everything up between you two – she told me everything, and I think it's best that you don't wreck this friendship you two have. But that's just my advice."

I knew it. It's just what I had to do. I can try to fix things as best as I can, and we can decide what the best option from here is.

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Mizer Manakins


	20. XX Solicitude

**Our Melancholy Memoir**

**XX. Solicitude**

**By Mizer Manakins**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own.

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By the time I got back home, it had to have been 1:00 a.m., but I couldn't sleep. I sat there for half an hour waiting for Hideto – she's still not here and it's 3:15. I have every reason to get nervous and feel guilty – what if what I said just sent her over the deep end? What if she's gone out to kill herself or something I caused? Of course, I would be the one to blame – yes, I LOVE TAI, but it doesn't mean that she doesn't mean anything to me. When she gets back –if she does- I have to tell her… We have to talk because this just isn't going to work for very long – I need to know what she might do and how I can make things better. I just don't feel like putting up with this shit any longer. I can change all I want to try and win over the man I love, but if I'm going to have to alter my entire identity just so I'll feel better about how I hurt the people around me, I need a serious reality check. I realize this now…. And I don't want my life to be like it is. I can change whatever it is I'm feeling, and I want to, but how can I?

I suppose I should ask myself who my real friends are. And I know who they are, but why am I friends with them if I just feel like shit right now?

It's my own fault, I suppose. That's just how I am, right?… I've got the best friends in the entire world, and for some strange reason, I keep thinking that things are going to go terribly wrong. Hell… They don't find it odd that I'm gay, and they're even supportive about my way of getting Tai's attention… What the hell is wrong with me? I feel horrible for distancing myself from Mimi and Kou… they're such great people… and Hideto… I'm such an ass for treating her like I did – if she thinks it best that things change, then there's noone to blame but myself. I want us to be friends – just friends. But can I do that without screwing things up even more? It was a terrible idea to date her when I've known all along that I'll never be able to love her like I love Tai simply because I'll NEVER be over him. But it made her happy… she's done so much for me, could it be that I just wanted to make her happy? I don't think I really thought about how this would affect our relationship… I don't ever recall thinking about that until recently. I wasn't kissing her, I know… It was Tai in my mind, but does she really know all this? I doubt it… I want so much to go right, but it seems its always my fault when they go wrong, but how the hell am I going to prevent that from happening again? I'm not sure if I can change how I handle things… I want to.

I'm still waiting for her… and I'm scared – what if she hates me? Worse – what if she never comes back? What if she's gone out and done something terrible and killed herself or what if she's been kidnapped? It'd be my fault because I'm the one that upset her and it's my fault she's not here.

If I told her how I really felt about us… would that make things worse?

She's my best friend… that I can't ever feel about romantically because that's just not how I roll… sounds dumb, doesn't it?

Seeing this all on paper makes it all so surreal, like this is nothing but a fiction and I can wake up any time I want… but the pen just keeps flying and words keep appearing, and I realize that this is what it is I'm thinking. These.. words are the explanation for what I've been feeling. Thought none of it explains why the hell I do the things I do. I'm still sitting up and waiting for her to walk through the front door. I'm in my room with the door shut. I don't want her to see me the moment she enters the apartment simply because I'm afraid she'll turn around and walk back out.

In the back of my mind, I just wonder what this might do to our band… Without Hideto, we're sunk – she's such a crucial contribution. And if she does stay… will it affect the music? Will we become nothing but a shell of what we formerly were?

I just want a breakthough.

But I suppose I should stop now… for fear I'll be so caught up in the words that I won't notice she's back…

Yamato "Toya" Ishida

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Thirty minutes later, I hear the door open. And close. And footsteps. At least she's here now. But is she okay? I don't hear any movement for a minute of two, and I just can't help it. I have to know if she's okay.

I slowly open the door, hoping not to startle her, and in the dimly lit living room, she's just sitting on the couch.

Standing there in the doorway, I feel like a naughty child going to apologize to the kindergarten teacher. How pathetic am I? I would say I'm a man and should act like one, but with my fashion choice and life, it's kinda hard for me to say that and actually take myself seriously. So instead of facing her and actually SAY something, I clear my throat. How original. But do I really CARE? I'm a little too stressed out to even be THINKING about the originality of my attention getter. She looks up. Dammit. Now I can't back out. But it's only right that I apologize. And explain myself. I'm still standing. Biting my lip. Feeling like an idiot.

"Look, Hideto, I'm sor-"

"Yama, don't."

"But I-"

"It's not your fault, okay? I was stupid… I guess I always knew it'd never really last, and that's something I've just come to accept… you just… you just scared the shit outta me tonight, Yama."

Technically, it was last night, but we're not going to go into that right now. But now I'm confused… What exactly happened to scare her?

"How did I…?"

"When we all realized what had happened… the van had just tipped over, nothing much else, but you.. you weren't awake, Yama…" she shook her head, almost like she was trying to get rid of that memory, "… you weren't.. you were so quiet, and… I just got scared – I thought you were…."

"But we're all okay now, right?… Don't worry about it…"

"I know… I know… they just said you had hit your head pretty hard against the window… and I know you're fine now…. And you're here now…."

"But… where the hell did you go? I've been worried out of my mind because you weren't here and it's fucking LATE. I didn't know if you had gone and committed suicide because of what I had said, or if you were kidnapped or WHAT. You talk about being scared…. And I know what that feels like – absolute shit…."

"Yama… I was just so… relieved you were okay, but I realized exactly how messed up things really were… I really do care about you, you know, and… I just want what's best."

"I never should have done that to you… I should have said no in the first place, but instead I just hurt you…"

Dammit. I feel absolutely HORRID saying it to her now…  
"No… You're a good person, Yama… you did it because you're just sweet like that… I was the stupid one for thinking you could get over Tai that quickly…  
Dammit. Tai. Why are we back to him again?… Oh yeah.. a lot of this shit simply happened because of my insane love for him. Brilliant of me, isn't it?

"But… you haven't told me where you went."

"Oh… I just had a visit to make."

A visit in the middle of the night? Who the hell would be up at this hour?

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Mizer Manakins


	21. XXI Fret

**Our Melancholy Memoir **

**XXI. Fret**

**By Mizer Manakins **

**Disclaimer:**No, I don't own.

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She says a 'visit'. It's late. Where the HELL could she possibly mean by that?

"Visit?"

"Yeah. Your brother filled me in on something going on with Tai, and I figured we really needed to have a talk."

"It's late—you _didn't_."

"Yama, you mean too much to me for me to do nothing – apparently, he and Sora are getting married."

"Yeah, I know. He proposed a while back, so why are you bothering him NOW?"

"You don't get it-"

"No, you don't. Hideto, he called me a fag and basically threw me out of his life-"

"It's tomorrow."

"What the FUCK?"

Yeah, you could say I didn't see that one coming. I didn't. Of course not. TOMORROW? It made me sick enough he was going to marry her at all, but tomorrow?... I have every reason to be upset about this. My own brother hadn't even told me – and I know he knew – he and Kari were FAR too close for him to NOT know her brother was getting married.

"Look, we talked – just talked – I didn't kill him or anything, although I did consider it…but we talked."

"About?"

She'd better spill. Everyone's holding out on me, aren't they? The man I've changed my life for is going and getting married to SORA of all people… Make's me want to be SICK.

"You."

Of course.

"Why?"

"He says you're welcome to come if you want to. He overreacted. Something about him not being okay with how things ended, and maybe you two could talk sometime."

Tai wants to talk to… me? It's hard to believe, but I guess I'll take what I can get, right?... I really do love him.

"But you're not upset or anything, right?"

"About 'us'? Sorry, but no. When you said it, everything just kind of made sense. You're still in love with him, I'm just a hopeless dreamer, and you've only got yourself to blame for the fact you're still a virgin."

She just had to say it, didn't she? Of course. That's just part of who she is.

"Now, dearest Yamato, we must find what you're going to WEAR!"

Of course, straight to the clothes…. But…

"I never said I'd go."

Dammit. The man I love is getting married to that hag, and I'm expected to sit back and watch? No way in hell.

"You have to go. I can't go by myself."

"What was that?"

"I'm going too, of course."

And of course, she's found a way to make me go.. If I don't, she'll still be able to tell me every single excruciating detail, so I'm better off going myself.

"Why?"

"Who else is going to help you get your man?"

She decided our theme would be light pink. If anything, just to contrast Sora's choice of light blue theme for her wedding. We're wicked, aren't we? Naturally, Hideto pulled out the latest Lolita fashions from her closet. Dress to impress, she says.

Impress who?

Eh, but either way, I have got to get some sleep.

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